recipes & foodThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that baconphilia will end

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3X-45/17: Alright. Seriously: enough with the bacon. Turkeys-wrapped in bacon; pork chops wrapped in bacon; bacon ice cream; bacon pies; bacon-wrapped bacon over bacon salad with bacon vinaigrette. Bacon T-shirts; Facebook posts celebrating the glories of  bacon. Chocolate-covered bacon; sexy women dressed in bacon thongs. Bacon coffee? Woven bacon goblets? Bacon cereal? It’s only a matter of time before bacon-porn starts up. Sweet Jesu, people! It’s yummy. The Emperor gets it. But it’s no tastier than it was ten years ago. The Emperor wants loyal subjects, not trend-gobblers. (I’m seriously considering banning all Kevin Bacon films, just for good measure.) I blame Emeril Legasse for introducing the moronic culture of cheering enthusiastically for seasonings: GAAAAHLIC!! WOO-HOO!! Cripes, how desperate can we be for fun? BACON! YIPPEE!! Insufferable.

The Punishment: Violators (anyone who devours bacon in any way but in strips, on a plate, next to a few sunny-side eggs) will be put in a 5-by-5 cell, deep in the Imperial Dungeons, with three recently-bacon-whipped wild boars who will exact revenge for their fallen brethren in a most invasive way.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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8 Responses to “The Emperor decrees that baconphilia will end”

  1. Dang! Just when I was about to go down into the cellar and get a bottle of Bacon-aux Merlot!

  2. I actually have a bottle of bacon flavored vodka. I didn’t buy it; it was a Christmas gift (my family has an interesting take on the exchanging of gifts). It actually DOES taste like bacon, though.

    …and I can’t think of anything worse to say about a bottle of vodka.

  3. Jeff: As you are a loyal minion, I can grant a certain amount of latitude. Enjoy a few punishment-free, piggish swigs.

    Ian:You dodged the dungeons with your last sentence. Well-played.

  4. But, I love BLTs.
    Can’t I still eat those? Their not new-dangled bacon-philic sandwiches.

  5. New-fangled.
    Freaking auto correct

  6. I think we can allow traditional bacon sandwiches. Just don’t try to slip a bacon espresso past the Imperial spies.

  7. Sorry, but I had a bacon cupcake last week and it was delicious.

  8. I’ll just need your address…

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