I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 449328: A guy winds up being lucky enough to have power right after Hurricane Sandy hits New York City and he drapes an extension cord over the fence and tapes a sign next to it that reads: WE HAVE POWER. FEEL FREE TO CHARGE YOUR CELL PHONE. Seconds later, a picture of this is all over the Imperial Internet on happy, smiley, I’m-so-happy-about-life-I-poop-a-little-every-three-minutes sites and people post it on Facebook and they tweet it with comments like: “See! There is hope for mankind.” Was it nice of this guy to do this? Perhaps. But it looks more (to this Munificent Dictator) like an act common human decency. The Emperor finds it a little sad that our standards have dropped so much that what might once have been seen as an act of simple obligation to one’s fellow humans is now regarded as a sign of hope for the entire human species. Give the person credit for some electric-cord altruism? Sure. Mark it as a sign of hope for the future? Not. Subjects of the Empire need to do a little better than that — and they do. Let’s praise truly selfless deeds because they are exceptional and let’s not get all tingly-pants because of a neat little viral photo of some nonchalantly-kind gesture. If a firefighter making a one-way trip into a burning high-rise shows the best part of humanity, then Emperor refuses to beatify a guy for dangling a cord and going in to have a sandwich and watch Dr. Phil.

The Punishment: Over-praisers of the commonly-kind gesture will be starved for a week-and-a-half and, then, when fed, will be beaten with an electric cord (that is, if they are not effusive enough in their thanks for the food).

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

• Author Bio
• Latest Posts

Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...

Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)

• Book Review: An Encyclopedia of Tolkien - October 14, 2019
• The Emperor decrees an end to positive comments about “selfies” - June 16, 2015
• The Emperor decrees that graduation clichés will cease - June 9, 2015
• The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
• The Emperor decrees that the letter “E” shall no longer be spoken as an “A” - February 10, 2015

Tags: religion & philosophy, The Emperor decrees // 3 Comments »