Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten ways schools are dealing with slashed budgets

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10. The “school nurse” is just a cafeteria lady with access to the Internet

9. Instead of buses, anyone who lives more than a mile from school is issued a large plastic hitchhiking thumb

8. Gym class consists of walking on treadmills that power the ovens for home economics

7. The restrooms have a cover charge

6. The guidance counselor has been replaced by Siri

5. The art teacher is selling tattoos at five bucks a pop

4. Every lunch consists of Mystery Stew

3. Music class is nothing but YouTube videos

2. Any spare fingers that wind up on the shop class floor are recycled to the cafeteria

1. They’ve just reclassified pepper spray as a vegetable

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

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