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The Emperor decrees that cereal box bags will, henceforth, open easily and neatly

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 90006: The Emperor is a regular Joe. Of a fine morning, he likes to munch a nice bowl of cereal. Sadly, though, he has often, of late, had his day start on a note of rage. This is because he has, more than occasionally, encountered an inner cereal bag that either a) a silverback gorilla on performance-enhancing drugs could not open or b) that opens easily… by ripping down the side or fraying into seven thousand jagged strips — cereal flying all about the Royal Kitchen — and dooming the contents to stale squishiness in the space of a few days. The Emperor knows that this is a recent phenomenon: as a child, he opened his own cereal boxes on a regular basis, without one single calamity. Something is awry with quality-control in the cereal packaging field. This will cease: effective, now. And if the Emperor’s Froot Loops ever again sail in multi-colored geysers past the sunrise windows of the Imperial palace, a certain toucan might have to be made an example of.

The Punishment: Responsible parties will be placed in a cage with a trained silverback gorilla (named “Otto”) who will attempt to “open” them by pulling outward, in opposite directions, while gripping their ears.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits [5], which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy [6] and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits [7], is nice, too, if you get a chance...