The Emperor decrees that cereal box bags will, henceforth, open easily and neatly

The Emperor decrees that cereal box bags will, henceforth, open easily and neatly

Posted on August 28th, 2012 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 90006: The Emperor is a regular Joe. Of a fine morning, he likes to munch a nice bowl of cereal. Sadly, though, he has often, of late, had his day start on a note of rage. This is because he has, more than occasionally, encountered an inner cereal bag that either a) a silverback gorilla on performance-enhancing drugs could not open or b) that opens easily… by ripping down the side or fraying into seven thousand jagged strips — cereal flying all about the Royal Kitchen — and dooming the contents to stale squishiness in the space of a few days. The Emperor knows that this is a recent phenomenon: as a child, he opened his own cereal boxes on a regular basis, without one single calamity. Something is awry with quality-control in the cereal packaging field. This will cease: effective, now. And if the Emperor’s Froot Loops ever again sail in multi-colored geysers past the sunrise windows of the Imperial palace, a certain toucan might have to be made an example of.

The Punishment: Responsible parties will be placed in a cage with a trained silverback gorilla (named “Otto”) who will attempt to “open” them by pulling outward, in opposite directions, while gripping their ears.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...