televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to “chocolate porn” in advertising

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 9932: Purveyors of fine chocolate treats will no longer be allowed to market their products with television advertisements that include women eating, moaning, throwing their heads back and seductively licking the chocolate drippings off of the tips of their fingers. While the Emperor understands the love that his female subjects generally share for chocolate (and while he enjoys similar goodies, himself, from time to time) he certainly would not permit the airing of commercials that include images of gentlemen dry-humping their Audis, or seductively nibbling at the radio antennae. While sexuality can be effective in advertising, the Emperor declares chocolate porn to be frigging stupid, and things that are frigging stupid are not allowed in The Empire.

The Punishment: Violators will be forced to watch a naked Sumo wrestler, recumbent, Rubens-like,  upon a velvet a chaise lounge, eat foot-long chili dogs for an entire month.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

 

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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4 Responses to “The Emperor decrees an end to “chocolate porn” in advertising”

  1. “Images of gentlemen dry-humping their Audis” +1

  2. Somehow, it’s more disturbing when you put it out there by itself…

  3. The thing I think is stupid is that advertisers must think they’re being sly and sexy for some reason to constantly do this. So NOT sexy anymore. Maybe the first time they did it it was. Ay yi yi!

  4. Well, now that it is punishable by nude, recumbent Sumo wrestler, we should see less of it, anyway.

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