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Top ten answers to the question “How hot is it?”

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10. “It’s so hot, Gitmo detainees are waterboarding themselves.”

9. “It’s so hot, cows are giving evaporated milk.”

8. “It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan just tested positive for Slurpees.”

7. “It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel forced to handle his nuts with tongs.”

6. “It’s so hot, fish are sweating.”

5. “It’s so hot, the last guy who asked me ‘Hot enough for ya?’ I was compelled to beat to death with a sockful of nickels.”

4. “It’s so hot, my oral and rectal thermometers just exploded.”

3. “It’s so hot, when the Romneys drive to Canada this year, Mitt called first dibs on the roof!”

2. “It’s so hot, the Tanning Mom just burst into flames!”

1. “It’s so hot, today I fried an egg…at room temperature.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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