The Amazing Spider-Man is the newest movie to spin a web of excitement around our hearts. It stars Andrew Garfield, of Facebook Is Ruining Our Culture, and Emma Stone, from the Jim Carrey video, as the star-crossed lovers of the title. It is so good, I haven’t actually seen it, because it is too precious to be seen. The most pure way to experience a great film like this, with all its action and romance, is to only dream about it rather than see it, which is what I did.

Andrew Garfield proves that acting isn't just a spectator sport anymore!

The villain of the film is Lizard Man. He was born without arms, so he uses his toes to buy vegetables and play guitar. He wants to grow arms for himself, so he injects his body with lizard fluid, derived from the sex organs of lizards (he was also born without a penis). He gets his arms to grow, and his leg, his third leg, but at what a cost! (He becomes a lizard himself!)

But I haven’t even gotten to the romance. First of all, Spider-Man is Peter Parker at first. He is an awkward kid living in New York. He is very shy around girls, even though he’s really a cool guy, because he collects comic books and likes poems about French prostitutes, just like I do. Nobody in the world knows how cool I really am, because they will not just get to know the real me. They all think I’m weird, but really I’m a lot cooler than them, and if they’d just talk to me for five minutes instead of going around having sex with each other and playing football games, then I would really be a winner.

I bet if Emma Stone ever met me, she'd really like me!

Then there is Emma Stone. She is really pretty, but for some reason, they had her play Gwen Stacy, who dies in the comic books and is blond, instead of Mary Jane Watson, who is a red head and is very good looking, because red heads are pretty. Anyway, she understands me pretty well, and she goes up to me after all the other people have picked on me, and she says, “I understand you, Peter Parker.”

I don’t think anyone will expect that Peter Parker’s parents die early in the film. What is their mysterious connection to Lizard Man? (They are brothers!) They all work together at the same evil corporation, called EviLizardInc. Will Peter Parker unravel the secret of his parents’ connections to the Lizard Man? Only by viewing the full film will you learn the secret for yourself, that there will be a sequel.

Here is one action-packed scene of the movie, where Spider-Man jumps on a wall and sticks his hand out dramatically!

But I know what you really wonder about: the action. Does it measure up to the great action that you expect from comic book movies? Spoiler alert: The action does measure up to the great action that you expect from comic book movies! When Spider-Man jumps around, swinging on his webs, you get the sense of being a young person with a dream of swinging through the city, and you fall in love with yourself and with the idea of being a young superhero who’s really a lot cooler than you think, and Emma Stone will fall in love with you, too.

I don’t think I could stand to tell you about the final confrontation between Spider-Man, who finally learns how to use his spider powers, and Lizard Man, who is half man and half lizard, but fully evil! I think if I did that, you would puke from excitement, and hit yourself in the head to try to calm yourself down. Let me just say that this is one movie that does not scrimp on either the action or the romance, such as in the scenes where we see them having sex in interesting positions, like the Spinning Reverse Webbing, the Eight Legged Trombone, and Arachnofellatio.

Your favorite part of the movie will probably be at the end, when Spider-Man joins the Avengers and the Fantastic Four, and they all fight Lizard Man, and Lizard Man opens his mouth and spits lizard eggs at them, and all the eggs hatch in midair, and there are about a million salamanders flying around and then the million little salamanders attack them all, and get into their pores and nostrils and ears, and make them all go crazy, except for Spider-Man, who has a mask that covers all his pores and orifices, so he finally wins the battle and then there is a sequel in a couple of years.

In one scene of the movie, Spider-Man tries to take his dog, Morsel the Spider-Dog, for a walk, but, "The Spoiler" (New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg) has passed an ordinance against dogs!

You probably are asking yourself, “Ricky, does this movie deliver all the goods and then some?” I would have to say that it does deliver the goods, and then some. I couldn’t wait to see the movie again, which I imagined I did, except the second time I imagined it, there was more sex, and I fell asleep about halfway through. All in all, this was a thrilling time at the movies, and a thoroughly enjoyable film that felt completely necessary and I’m glad I didn’t spoil the film by actually seeing it, but only imagining I saw it. I give it 4 webs up!

I probably shouldn't tell you about this, but there are also a lot of really funny scenes in the film, such as the scene where Spider-Man goes to the bathroom and pees!

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

Latest posts by Ricky Sprague (Posts)

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