I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree 2341-3A: The Apple computer company makes superior machines; however, “Apple People” must be stopped. At all cost. Any person who incessantly advertises for or praises the Apple computer company (who is not an employee of said company or the spouse of an employee thereof), is, henceforth, declared an outlaw. (They charge you three-million dollars for a computer and you energetically and actively advertise for free for them? Come — as they say — on.) Any driver who displays a once-bitten Apple insignia on the back of his or her car or who is seen wearing a T-shirt displaying the same insignia shall be taken prisoner. Similarly, anyone who posts numerous Facebook stati which extol the wonders of Apple will be summarily arrested by the Imperial Police. 2341-3B: As a sub-decree, while the Emperor believes in freedom of religion, it is, nevertheless, henceforth illegal to become either a congregate or a clergy member of the developing Church of Steve Jobs — the reasoning for this being that if Leonardo DaVinci doesn’t have his own church, Jobs shouldn’t either. Further, Apple is a company, my minions, not your kid. Stop posting pictures of the new iPhone next to little Bradley’s First Holy Communion shots. It’s creepy.
The Punishment: The Imperial Wizard has conjured a room of infinite black space. Within this room, there is an illuminated podium on which rests a gleaming new iPad. Violators will be released into this dark chamber. When they droolingly approach the iPod — which they will — a giggling, naked doppelgänger of Bill Gates will appear, snatch the iPad, and scamper off into the darkness. When the violator is tired of chasing the prestidigitated dodecazillionare (whom he will never catch), he or she will be released for another chance at well-balanced, rational life.
The Emperor shall grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning