The Emperor decrees that idiots may no longer “interpret” stuff

Posted on June 12th, 2012 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 19: No person may attempt to “analyze” or “interpret” the “messages sent” by a media piece or by a movie or by a book — or to make similar attempts to explicate statements issued by prominent figures — unless he or she is a licensed non-idiot. (The Emperor, himself, will be responsible for determining who qualifies for the N.I.P. — the “Non-Idiot Pass.”) This decree has been written because the Emperor is getting a bruise from repeatedly slapping the royal forehead.

The Punishment: Violators will be strapped, for three days, into a wet, reclining chair and forced to watch the pithy cast of a daily, gang-hosted talk show discuss what they see as a racist stance against “hoodies” in Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow (Sparknotes edition).

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...