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Things I’ve learned watching the E! channel

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1. There are many Kardashians.

They’re like the Jacksons, if the most talented Jackson was La Toya.

2. Time is cruel.

The lesson’s offered by The Girls Next Door, not so much by Hugh Hefner (who died years ago and is now moved from room to room of the Playboy Mansion Weekend at Bernie’s style) as a surprise cameo from ex-Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson, who showed up for Hugh’s birthday…naked. I thought, “This is a woman in her mid-40s with multiple children and a well-publicized case of hepatitis”; it couldn’t have been creepier if Hefner elected to hang dong on her birthday.

3. Fighting time only makes it crueler.

Does 1976 Olympic decathlon gold medalist Bruce Jenner — it should be noted he remains the only member of his family actually to accomplish something, albeit during a different millennium — look in the mirror and think, “That plastic surgery was such a good idea”?

4. Men shouldn’t turn 60 and decide, “It’s time to get both ears pierced.”

You are full of lessons, Bruce.

5. Lamar Odom (who’s married to a Kardashian) needs to listen to his basketball agent, not his TV one.

This season the former Sixth Man of the Year who’s earned over $100 million during his career and stood to earn tens of millions more was traded from the Los Angeles Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks (which, as far as trades go, isn’t that bad, since Dallas is the defending champ). He showed up out of shape and somehow got out-of-shapier as the season went on, to the point the Mavs finally announced they would pay him but preferred he stayed the hell away from the team…meaning Odom essentially threw away a season at the age of 32, when there aren’t that many left. Those looking to acquire him are bound to view it as a risky move, but he has a trump card: a reality show.

Yep, any team afraid Lamar can no longer cut it can just check out an episode and discover that he isn’t lazy or selfish: he’s apparently suffering from full-on depression.

Caused by the fact he’s realized his body may no longer be capable of performing at a pro-level.

And it’s all on camera.

General managers, start the bidding now!

6. Kris Humphries (who’s divorced a Kardashian) is having the best season of his career.

NBA players banging members of a certain Armenian-American family, take note.

7. Ryan Seacrest may be the most powerful man on Earth.

It’s not easy for an individual to carry an entire TV network; even Oprah is struggling to do it over at OWN. Yet when Ryan Seacrest isn’t actually onscreen to announce a “news” update — that word is used very loosely on E! — inevitably one of the programs he executive produces is showing. (Seacrest deserves more credit for the spread of the Kardashians than anything besides Kim’s ass.)

I’m not certain what his secret is, but I suspect it has something to do with our deteriorating educational system.

8. A man can only take so much pixelation.

The southern hemisphere is a magical place, where toilets flush in reverse and nudity is for everyone. I’ve spent some time in Buenos Aires, and they show E! programs there uncensored (particularly ones with the phrase “Wild On” in the title).

We should learn from them.

9. The strongest argument ever made for socialized medicine is Dr. 90210.

10. If you stare long enough, everything becomes watchable.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Ice Loves Coco.

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2 Responses to “Things I’ve learned watching the E! channel”

  1. E! and VH1 always make me think of the old MTV animated series Daria, and specifically of the tabloid show-within-the-show, “Sick, Sad World.”

  2. Ah, Daria! That and Beavis and Butt-Head used to serve the same function for MTV as The Soup does for E!: letting the channel say, “We recognize how stupid much of our programming is…yet we have so much faith in it that we can mock it on our own channel and you’ll still tune in to watch.”

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