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Top ten signs you had a bad Spring Break

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10. The only thing on the resort’s TV was health class videos about STDs

9. Your beach was still covered with oil slicks and tar balls

8. To get into your room, you had to break through some yellow police tape

7. So you could eat, the staff lent you a video of Hillbilly Handfishin’

6. The only alcohol you had was in the Nyquil the resort doctor gave you

5. The package was seven days, three nights

4. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow suddenly crawled away

3. Instead of Puerto Vallarta, you spent the week at the Port Authority

2. The only ‘action’ you got was the speed bumps your taxi ran over

1. Rick Santorum recommended your resort as “a good Christian alternative”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

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