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Why they run: possible reasons someone enters a presidential race

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Mitt Romney has a good life. He has his health, a devoted wife, tons of money, exceptionally thick hair, seemingly dozens of sons who look exactly like him, and so on. Yet he’s decided this isn’t enough and is running for president, with the result he now spends his days forced to make conversation with people he normally wouldn’t let valet park one of his many luxury automobiles. And watching him makes me wonder, “Why would anyone enter a presidential campaign?” After some contemplation, these are the possible reasons:

  1. Believe your leadership will make America a better place.
  2. Believe that, while your leadership won’t necessarily help America, probably less damaging to America than the leadership of the jerk currently running things.
  3. Believe that, while your leadership will almost certainly be spectacularly damaging to America, at least you’ll get the paycheck instead of the jerk.
  4. America owes you the presidency (you’ve served your country nobly in at least one war).
  5. America owes you the presidency (you’ve held a lot of other government jobs; might as well have this one too).
  6. America owes you the presidency (you’re very rich and if a very rich man can’t get what he wants, why did you bother inheriting that money in the first place?).
  7. Your dad ran for president and didn’t win; need to reach the White House to restore family honor.
  8. Your dad ran for president and did win but lost bid for reelection; need to restore family honor by claiming the White House for two terms this time.
  9. Your granddad ran for the presidency but only won one term, which was avenged when your father ran for the White House and won two terms, but by the end everyone hated your dad, so need to restore family honor by winning another two terms.
  10. Your moron brother was president; you might as well be president too.
  11. Your moron husband was president; you might as well be president too.
  12. Don’t actually want to run for president, but do want to boost your speaking fees and possibly get a book deal, so sticking it out for now.
  13. Don’t actually want to run for president, but do like the media inexplicably taking you seriously when you mention you might want the job, plus you’ll need something to do when The Celebrity Apprentice is canceled.
  14. Don’t actually want to run for president, but have been brainwashed to seek the White House and overthrow the American way of life in a Manchurian Candidate-type deal.
  15. You’re really, really sick of being the governor of Arkansas or Wisconsin or Nebraska or whatever piece of crap state you happen to be running and it seems a way out.
  16. You’re already convinced armed men follow you everywhere, so shouldn’t be too tough to adjust to Secret Service protection.
  17. Your God has commanded you to seek high office.
  18. Your God has commanded you NOT to seek high office, but He’s not the boss of you.
  19. You love what America was, but hate what it’s becoming.
  20. You hate what America was, but love what it’s becoming.
  21. You’re surprisingly neutral on America past and present; hope that ruling it for a time will stir up some passion one way or the other.
  22. Chicks dig presidential candidates.
  23. You’re actually Canadian but pretty sure if you become leader of the Free World you won’t have to go back to Winnipeg, eh?

Let me know which ones I’m missing.

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