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The city of Los Angeles cares more about pornographic film performers than the rest of us, apparently

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Kudos to the city council and mayor of Los Angeles, California for exhibiting rare leadership by mandating that pornographic film actors wear condoms when they make their films within the LA city limits.

With just a few strokes of his pen, the mayor has saved literally dozens of lives, probably. Actually, it’s probably millions of lives, because now not only will the performers in pornographic films be completely protected from uncovered penises, but the people who watch pornographic films will be reminded of how great condoms are, and they will emulate their pornographic film performer heroes and put them on when they engage in their own coitus.

That is what you call a “win-win.”

I’m not going to pretend to know anything about pornographic films, myself. If I tried to talk to you about pornography, I’d come off like Mitt Romney talking about shooting “small varmints, if you will.” But I would like to think that seeing James Deen wrap up his pecker before sticking it into the buttocks of, oh let’s say Naomi Russell, would be a welcome development for the pornographic film connoisseur, of which I am not one. Seriously, if you presented me with a lineup of Tori Black, Stoya, Carmen Kinsley, Eve Lawrence, and Jennifer White and told me to tell you which of them was whom, I would probably not be able to tell you, especially if they weren’t wearing any makeup. I understand they all look different without makeup.

I don't know who this is.

It’s just not my world, you see. As far as I know, the letters “ATM” stand for “Automated Teller Machine,” and nothing else. The only “Bang Brothers” I know are Archie and Chester Bang, of the Hampton Bangs. I met them while summering in the Hamptons in my long-ago youth. Oh, the times we had! That special summer I learned the true value of the word “teamwork,” when I and Chester and Archie and Bobo and Fritzy and the Jimster all worked together to win the big regatta against an upstart team led by the son of the groundskeeper. I digress. Anyway, the LA government has been on this beat for awhile now:

Los Angeles County public health officials backtracked Tuesday on their statements last week that at least 16 unpublicized cases of HIV in adult film performers had been reported to them since 2004.

Despite their release of data to The Times describing the cases as “adult film performers,” the county’s top health official acknowledged that the agency does not know whether any of those people were actively working as porn performers at the time of their positive test.

County public health officials said they had mislabeled all reports from the AIM clinic as adult performers when, in fact, information about their occupation is unclear. Although the clinic was created primarily to serve the porn industry, it serves other clients.

I would also like to commend the Los Angeles city council for the money-saving steps they took in adopting this requirement without going to the mess and bother of holding an actual vote on the subject.

The city would have had to spend over $4 million to hold the election, and city officials said a decision to simply adopt the condom requirement allowed them to dodge that costly poll.

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Koretz, who brought the measure, said he expected residents at the ballot box would have overwhelmingly approved the condom requirement, so it was a “no-brainer” to adopt it now.

“For us right now, our only real policy issue is do we spend $4 million and have this become law? Or do we not spend $4 million and have this become law?” Koretz said.

The LA city council is known for its frugality. They’re always looking for ways to save money. Not only does this save the city the cost of holding an election, it also saves the pornographic film companies the expense of mounting some kind of campaign to convince voters to let their workers decide for themselves whether they want to use condoms or not. It’s my hope that the city council will extend this money-saving practice to other “election” issues. For instance, it’s pretty clear that Barack Obama is going to carry Los Angeles. So why don’t they just pass a resolution saying that Barack Obama carried Los Angeles, and then spare the expense of holding an actual vote? The city council can use that money to go toward Los Angeles’s storied mass transit system.

As happy as I am that the city of Los Angeles has adopted this no-brainer condom mandate, I have to wonder why it is that the mayor and the city council are only looking to protect pornographic film performers? After all, they’re not the only ones having coitus. It’s my understanding that a lot of people who don’t actually film themselves also enjoy having sex. And yet, the city council has said to these people, “Go ahead and have unprotected sexual relations with each other! Go ahead and catch diseases. We don’t care! If we did, we’d pass a law mandating that everyone who has sex wear a condom!”

Oh, I’m being farcical. Obviously I don’t think that everyone who has sex should have to wear a condom. Just those who are not currently married. Think about it. These people are out having sex with who knows whom, catching who knows what kinds of diseases, and then we all end up having to pay for it.

I am tired of it. We have to do something about it.

People do not have the right to abuse themselves. We don’t allow people to take just whatever drug they want. We don’t allow people to sell their own organs. We don’t allow people to just walk on an airplane without being frisked. We don’t allow people to drive without wearing a seatbelt. We have decided — as a society — to make certain decisions for you. In case you’re too stupid to make the right one.

Just as I don’t want to have to pay for your lung cancer treatment because you smoked, just as I don’t want to have to pay for your diabetes or heart disease medicine because you’ve eaten too much fast food, just as I don’t want to pay for your drug treatment because you got addicted to the marijuana, so too I don’t want to pay for your Valtrex because you think you’re too “cool” to remain in a committed relationship with one single sexual partner for the rest of your life like society says is the right way to do things, and you signed that social contract when you were born here if you didn’t like it you should have been born elsewhere.

I am totally unbiased in this argument. I don’t know Sunny Lane from Faye Reagan, and if they and Lexi Belle invited me to engage in some MFFF action I wouldn’t know what the hell they were talking about. But I do believe in protecting people; especially those people who refuse to protect themselves in the manner that I know is best.

I don't know who this is, either.

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.
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One Response to “The city of Los Angeles cares more about pornographic film performers than the rest of us, apparently”

  1. It’s like the smoking ban in the UK. Irish Pat used to sell knock off cigs in the boozer. It earned him enough pennies to go on two holidays a year. After the crackdown poor Pat’s lost all his trade – and I have to go to the shops to buy my cigs at full price.

    I’ve always hated vintage porn myself but this LA County ruling is going to push me into a Euro corner.

    Naomi Russell.

    Good gosh.

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