I am a fairly laid-back, low-key person. It takes a lot to get me riled up. This attitude has generally served me well. It’s only on very rare occasions that I become angry; only twice in my adult life have I ever actually been angry enough to yell at someone (yelling at sporting events, rooting on my favorite athletic performers, does not count). Generally, if I’ve been wronged – and it does happen occasionally – I forget it pretty quickly and move on with my life.

It’s not something I spend a lot of time on, but I do concoct revenge scenarios.

Although it hasn’t happened yet, it’s possible that at some point someone will do something to me that will require my taking revenge against him. I pride myself on always being prepared, so it makes sense for me to have a reserve of revenge scenarios handy, which I can call upon if need be.

One problem with creating these revenge scenarios is that I can’t know the specifics of my targets – because they don’t yet exist! For this reason, the scenarios often contain what I will charitably call “gaps,” to be filled in later, once I learn the full details of person or persons who have wronged me. I’ll show you what I mean with one of my less elaborate scenarios, briefly outlined below:

First, I kidnap the child of the man who has wronged me (this scenario assumes the person against whom I’m exacting my revenge has at least one child, and at least one spouse). I’m afraid this part of the scenario doesn’t make me look particularly good, since the child’s only crime is being related to the person who wronged me. However, if someone has done something that requires I exact my revenge, then it must have been very egregious indeed, because I’m so laid-back, as I’ve already stated. The child of a person who would commit such a heinous act has already been irreparably harmed by the parents in question, so I doubt my kidnapping him will be too traumatic.

However, the parent can’t know this. He must believe his child is in danger. For that reason, when I kidnap the child, I will place him in a room specially prepared to create the highest level of stress possible. The room will be just large enough for the child to lie down in a fully prone position; however, held fast to the floor at odd intervals will be objects of varying geometric shapes, making it impossible for the child to sit down and relax. The walls will be painted a shade of green that I’ve found to induce stress in children. On the walls I will alternately project YouTube videos of apes drinking from their own urine stream, and clips of episodes of Rachel Maddow’s television program.

Once the child has been in this room for a few minutes (only long enough for him to become slightly agitated – I’m no monster, and as I’ve already said my real quarrel is with his parent, not him), I’ll call the revenge object and inform him that I have his son, and if he follows my instructions exactly, the child shall be returned to him in mint condition. If not… (At this point, I will let my voice trail off into ellipses, and let him imagine what might happen if he doesn’t follow my instructions – since I’m not going to actually do anything to harm the child, this saves me having to lie to him, even though he probably deserves to be lied to, for what he did to me. But I’m not going to sink to his level, and I won’t compromise my integrity.) Next, I’ll put his son on the phone, and the child’s frightened, halting voice will let the man know how serious the situation is.

Now that the man is sufficiently agitated and has agreed to do exactly as I say, I will lay my first set of instructions on him: Get $10,000 in unmarked, non-sequential, and small denomination bills. Place these bills in a valise, and bring that valise, along with his wife, to a high-traffic, high-crime corner of the downtown of the city in which he lives. I’ll also explain that in a trashcan on that corner there will be a cell phone I will call with further instructions. This will cause the stupid jerk to think this is a straightforward money-for-your-kid kidnapping, but boy will he be surprised when he finds out what I’ve really got in mind!

Next I’ll set up my surveillance equipment and a computer in an unrented room in a high rise in sight of the corner I’ve chosen. Because of the bad economy, I’ll have my pick of empty locations. I might have to assume a fake identity and pretend to be a potential renter to get past any real estate people (I’ll probably wear a fake mustache), but I’ll do anything to ensure my plan’s success. I’ll be watching the corner with my binoculars, and monitoring a special website on my computer.

When the man and his wife get to the corner, I’ll call the cell phone. The husband will have to dig through disgusting downtown trash to find the cell phone! When he answers, I’ll tell him to dig out the other cell phone I’ve also placed in the trashcan, and hand it to his wife. When he does this, I will call that cell phone and instruct her on how to adjust that phone’s settings so that it will automatically upload to the internet the video I’m going to have her shoot. “Aim it at your husband, and make sure you always get his full body in the frame, unless I specifically instruct you otherwise. If not…” I’ll again let my voice trail off into ellipses, menacingly.

Now I’ll check my own computer to ensure that video is uploading to that special website I mentioned two paragraphs ago. I’ll probably spare a few moments to savor the expression of confused fear on his face. This revenge will be so sweet, especially considering whatever it was that he did to me to deserve this!

Back to business: Don’t stop filming your husband no matter what. When I get the husband again on the other cell phone, I’ll tell him to place the valise on the sidewalk, open it up, and remove one of the bills. He’ll think it’s because I want to see the money, to make sure it’s real or something, even though I wouldn’t be able to tell if it was real or not from this far away, the stupid jerk, but that’s exactly what I want him to think. The money is just a red herring. A distraction. In the revenge scenario-plotting game we call this a “Putz’s Humbug.” When he takes one of the bills out of the valise, I hope he says something like, “Are you satisfied?” because then I can say, “ Not yet. But soon. Now, pull your pants down.”

Now he’ll be really confused and scared. “Why?” he’ll ask. I’ll say, “Don’t question my instructions. Remember, I still have your son…” and let my voice trail off into ellipses. (Really I’ll have dropped his son off at the funnest amusement park in the area, and given him free passes for all the best rides, and also a coupon for a free fountain drink, all as a reward for his part in my plot.) The stupid jerk will probably start to cry when he undoes his pants (maybe his pants will be damp from where he wet himself? well, I can hope, can’t I?) and lets them drop to his ankles. The video, streaming live on the internet, will be so hilarious! The expressions on his face, and the faces of the pedestrians going by, will fill me with such delight. Anyway, next I’ll tell him to pull down his underwear, and when he stopped sobbing his terrified tears I’d remind him about his son, and drop those ellipses on him again. When he pulled down his underwear I’d have his wife get a quick close up shot of his shriveled little wiener, then I’d tell him to stuff the bill all the way up his butt hole. And then I’d tell his wife to get a good shot of the bill going into his butt.

I’d probably be laughing so hard that tears would be running down my own face. It will be hard to maintain the menacing tone I’ve affected up until now! Anyway, once he’d stuffed the bill up his butt, I would then tell his wife to fish it out, and then eat it, and pretend that she thought it was delicious. In answer to her cries of protest I would tell her that Yes, she had to film herself eating it, and she had to lick her lips and talk about how savory it tastes, like a Food Network host. I might even have her borrow Guy Fieri’s phrase, “That is so money!”

I’m not sure if in this scenario the wife has actually wronged me or not. But even if she hasn’t, if she married this jerk, she deserves everything she gets.

I’d tell them to continue doing this until either (A) all the bills are gone, or (B) pedestrians rob them. Either way: Keep filming, and don’t tell anyone why you’re doing this, even if a police officer happens to walk by. Remember your son…

This scenario is a harmless little humiliation that won’t really hurt these people (even though they deserve it, for what they did to me), but it will make me feel a lot better. Now, all I need is for someone to really earn my ire.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

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Tags: diatribes, ends & odd // 3 Comments »