environment & naturepolitics & government

Forget aliens — it’s squatch that we really need to worry about

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Recently, presidential candidate Rick Perry claimed to be skeptical of man-made climate change.

Now, as if on cue, some people at an institution called Pennsylvania State University have come up with a very serious reason for human beings to fear climate change, and their role in it.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth’s atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This is ridiculous. We all know that we have much more to fear from Sasquatches (“Squatches”), Chupacabras (“Chuppies”), Loch Ness Monsters (“Nessies”), and Moth Men (“Mothies”) than we do from extraterrestrials.

Squatches are directly affected by climate change, every day. In fact, Squatches are being driven from their natural habitats at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Science (link via reason).

On average, the team finds, creatures move both up mountains and farther away from the equator at a speed that keeps pace with the rate of climate change and at a pace that is far faster than previously predicted.

This report, like that of the Pennsylvania State University researchers, doesn’t explicitly mention Squatches, or Chuppies for that matter, but there is absolutely no reason to assume that they too aren’t being affected by climate change, since they actually share our planet, unlike the extraterrestrials who are watching us from afar, with skepticism and growing alarm.

Moreover, if the threat of corrective annihilation by extraterrestrial forces is meant to be a reason to curb our role in climate change, it’s a very bad one, since the very same extraterrestrials that would destroy humanity to save the planet can probably see into the future anyway, and already know what we’re going to do to the planet, and they’ve either (a) already changed the course of history to correct our problems, meaning we’re already on a solid ecological trajectory, or, (b) they just flat out don’t give a shit about our planet and have better things to do with their time.

I’m guessing (a) is the more likely scenario, since human beings are amazing creatures and there is absolutely no way that extraterrestrials wouldn’t be completely fascinated by us and everything we’re doing. They probably have little TV set type devices built into their heads (their heads are really big because they have really big brains, bigger than ours since they’re smart enough to watch us and smart enough to know how we should treat our planet), and those devices are probably tuned to receive the signals that are transmitted from our planet, and they probably watch everything we do, all the time. Perhaps I’m flattering myself a bit, but I’m betting that one of their favorite programs is “The Ricky Sprague Show,” which features me on television all the time, 24 hours a day (I’m even interesting to these extraterrestrial creatures when I’m sleeping, because human beings sleep differently from extraterrestrials who sleep with their eyes open, and their knees bend the other way, and they fart out of their mouths), and has probably won several extraterrestrial awards, such as the “He Doesn’t Know How Awesome He Really is to the Rest of the Universe, Even Though Hardly Nobody on his Own Planet Even Cares About Him” award.

Also, there are probably some Ricky Sprague statues on the extraterrestrial planet where my show is so popular. And if extraterrestrials wear T-shirts, well, I bet my face is on a few of those (hey! where’s my cut of the profits??? [j/k!]).

Anyway,  the Squatches have been relatively quiet thus far, content to show themselves only to a few crackpots and drunkards. But if we don’t get our acts together on climate change, well, we could be looking at a serious Squatch rampage. Forget the extraterrestrials — when it comes to climate change, it’s Squatch that we really have to fear. And if Rick Perry gets elected president, we might be in serious trouble.

 

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.
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2 Responses to “Forget aliens — it’s squatch that we really need to worry about”

  1. Ricky, GREAT post … you’re definitely a contender, provided you can weather the fifteen months between now and Election Day.

    Re: “a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat” isnt that why Klaatu (the good Michael Rennie one, not the silly Keanu Reeves one) and Gort came to Earth in “Day the Earth Stood Still” ???

    I wish I had more to say on all this … but, really, I don’t know squat about squatch.

  2. Jeff, I’m afraid that, thanks to climate change, we’re all about to become squatch experts.

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