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The erotic fiction of Carl Sagan

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I probably should have published the following post on Valentine’s Day, but since VD was only three days ago, I’m guessing everyone is still filled with tender emotions and the excitement of love.

Anyway, here’s a thought experiment:

What if Carl Sagan had written erotic fiction…”

 

  • From THE 8-ARMED ICE-CREAM MAN OF MNEME:

“His digits were shimmering vestiges of a spiral galaxy. Every appendage was filled with delightful flavors, each guaranteed to satisfy…”

“Her clenched, webbed fist made for an excellent proxy.”

  • From THE WELL-HUNG WHITE DWARF:

“I felt as though I was standing on the veranda of a vast cosmos as I unleashed my essence into her love purse.”

“I marveled at the tantalizing array of bills, beaks, scutes, pectorals…and breasts…”

  • From STICKING COEFFICIENTS:

“A sharp distinction between human lovers and alien lovers is essential if we are to bend them to our will, make them work for us, wear them, eat them — without any disquieting tinges of guilt or regret.”

  • From PANSTELLAR PECKERWOOD:

“Her supple lips met mine. Soon, our coupling began beneath a small altocumulus cloud. I knew then that she was the perfect Moon Creature for me.”

  • From FOUR-VECTOR FEATHERWOODS:

“Her ample backdoor provided all the airlock pressure we would need. Soon, sexual congress commenced.”

  • From SEDUCTION IN THE SUBDUCTION ZONES:

“She fondled the large emplacement of basalt rock. When he eventually loosened her from the restrictive iguana harness, she cooed amorously…”

  • From LONGITUDINAL ENGINES:

“The biblical God is usually a sloppy manufacturer. But he outdid himself with Ginny. She was a busty, big-diesel masterpiece whom I loved to read poetry to.”

  • From KEPLERIAN CRANKSHAFT:

“He dipped his hardened magma plug into her rock pool. Together, they could feel the Earth’s crust buckle.”

“Some nights we were two sworn enemies standing waist-deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five. And then…out of nowhere…some force would propel us… into each others’ pinch machine…”

  • From BETA-DECAY KAY:

“Kay radiated magic, poetry and…lust. I enjoyed nuzzling her Pale Blue Dot.

  • From PLUTONIAN PLEASURE SQUAD:

“Her buttocks trembled in a lyrical way…this singular beauty made me pine for the satisfying hues of Sigma Orionis.”

  • From CELESTIAL POLES:

“He pried open her fleshy portal with the throbbing anticipation of a Wolf-Rayet star.”

“Geologically we were in the most active body of the Uranian system. Thus, Rick’s thickening, hardening and elongating served as gripping metaphor.”

  • From LOVE BUDDIES OF URANUS:

“ ‘I always prayed that somebody would stuff my chute,’ said Rick while preparing to leap from the sky cruiser. ‘And thanks to Todd, that prayer has been answered.’

  • From LOVE BUFFET ON MARS:

“Our union, so full of culinary delights, made us feel like carnal gladiators, yes, but also like world-champion gurgitators.”

  • From DOUBLE-CLUSTER DUVETS:

“I felt as though I were a cosmic quilt-maker…the rich tapestry of intricate, interwoven ecstasy nearly left me for dead…”

  • From THE SEXUAL SAFARIS OF SEDNA:

“Reality died screaming when Todd removed the accommodator mask from the tentacled beast.”

  • From FINE DINING ON DEIMOS (co-written with Ray Kroc):

“Todd was a griddle man through and through, so cooking up a thick, rich stew of carnal flavors was no challenge for him. Doing it in zero gravity, however, was the tricky part.”

Sagan Valentine by Ironic Sans

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4 Responses to “The erotic fiction of Carl Sagan”

  1. “Her ample backdoor provided all the airlock pressure we would need. Soon, sexual congress commenced.”

    I hurt myself laughing at that. So you know.

  2. @Chris

    I had a teacher in college who talked exactly like Sagan, and after watching several episodes of COSMOS the past few years, I felt it was incumbent upon me to pay tribute.

    I just completely love the guy.

  3. Michael — I actually teach a sci-fi and fantasy class and I use a recorded interview with Sagan. I pipe it out of overhead speakers and tell my kids we are going to talk to a dead scientist and ask him questions. I kill the lights, and hand out the questions to them, they ask and I discreetly hit “play” for the answers. They go through cycle of fear, laughter and complete boredom within a half hour. I really love Sagan, too, but his voice can put a high school student to sleep in six minutes. But he is simply GREAT at explaining the most complex scientific principles. Anyway — really enjoyed this. Thanks for the laughs.

  4. Thanks much, Chris.

    It’s too bad that students find C.S’s voice sleep-inducing. I can see how they might, since their lives and pop-culture experiences are dominated by something entirely different and noisier. But it’s still too bad. At least you’re getting the word out and putting Sagan on their radar. Maybe in 10-15 years they’ll revisit his work.

    That’s basically what happened to me, I think. That Earth Science professor I had in 1994 who talked like Sagan would sometimes play us COSMOS episodes in class. I didn’t know it then but the Sagan influence would later creep back into my life years later.

    I don’t tend to have a whole lot of “heroes,” per se, but Sagan is definitely one of them.

    That might become a blog post itself — the strange bedfellows who occupy my short “heroes” list. Ha! Cool.

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