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Top ten signs you drank too much on New Year’s

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10. During your physical, they found traces of blood in your alcohol

9. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…Wait, I know this as well as I know my own name….‘Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dearrrrr…’”

8. You keep claiming you’re “as jober as a sudge”

7. You make Lindsay Lohan look like Susan Boyle

6. The room is spinning faster than a hamster wheel

5. You’re wondering how you wound up with a chest tattoo of Cloris Leachman

4. You have toilet seat bruises all over the back of your head

3. Your idea of cutting back is less salt on the rim of your Margarita glass

2. You keep falling off the floor

1. You think Sarah Palin would make a great President

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

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