After a long day at the office (my couch), I can’t think of a better way to unwind than with my favorite caffeinated malt liquor beverage: Four Loko. You can see why, then, I was so shocked to hear that my beloved Loko was being pulled from shelves. What’s the matter, Uncle Sam? Scared of a good time? Afraid you might have too much fun? I didn’t realize our government was run by a bunch of grandmas.
Upon hearing the dreadful news, I decided there was only one reasonable way to make the case against the banning of caffeine in these beverages. I was going to buy a case of Four Loko, share it with my friends, and record everything in my journal. Here’s what happened:
I got back to my apartment with my new case of Four Loko (I decided on Four MaXed Gold flavor. I normally think of myself as more of a regular plain Four Loko drinker, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to really pull out all the stops on this one. It’s like picking Mountain Dew over Pepsi. You’re still getting the kick, but you look cooler) and threw it down on the coffee table. Next, I was going to call up all of my friends. They would love this idea.
“Hey _____, it’s Matt!”
“Oh hey Matt. I’m so glad you called. You’re a great friend.”
“Thanks, I know. Hey, here’s a question. Would you like to drink a case of Four Loko with me to show everyone how it’s NBD?”
“Wow, Matt. That sounds great. I’d love to help. Be right over.”
I decided to crack my first Loko in the process and got to the calling.
Unfortunately, all of my friends were busy. But hey, that’s what happens with these real life experiments. Some people just can’t hang. You can’t plan this sort of thing! This is life on the edge. Guerilla Journalism. That’s quite alright, I thought. I’ll just do it myself.
I figured I should try and accomplish something practical while drinking my Lokos so as to prove that they did not hinder my judgement any more than any other beverage would. A quick look in my day planner revealed I had nothing planned.
Oh, I actually forgot to mention this, but it’s probably important. I’m not really a drinker. Meaning, I’ve never drank before. I figured that would make me an even better test subject for my experiment. I’m pure. It’s like drawing a picture on a fresh piece of paper. It’s the best. I’m the best.
Cut to a few hours later. Six Lokos deep and wandering around my local pharmacy. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have a few liters of Loko in you. Before I knew it I was getting all my daily errands done in record time, and making a lot of new friends along the way. I couldn’t believe anyone would rally against this. Especially the government! What better way to stimulate the economy than to give your citizens a drink that not only makes them forget all their troubles, but also gives them the energy to accomplish everything they’ve become too depressed to do?
Turns out, I was never at the pharmacy. Apparently, Four Lokos can make you black out when you drink eight of them. I woke up the next morning in the dumpster of my local Panera Bread covered in sourdough bread bowls. I was also covered in vomit.
Well, wait a minute. What can we take away from all of this? Is Four Loko bad? The short answer is, I have no idea. In fact, none of this really happened. I made it up. This was a fiction piece. Thank you. Have a great weekend!
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