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I know. I really blew it. The thing is, I’ve just been really busy.

It all started last Monday when I was tying my boot. Everything was going to plan, when BOOM… the darn shoelace ripped right in half. This was something I had never experienced in my life. Now, I’ve been tying shoes for decades, mostly my own, and I have never seen one just give way under the sheer strain of being tied. Never ever. I still don’t believe it really happened.

I spent the rest of the afternoon that day finding every pair of shoes I could and trying my best to recreate the event. Six hours later I had yet to repeat the catastrophe. As many great scientists have said though, “all data is good data.” Or is it any data is data? It’s something about data. This is not important, however (although according to the phrase, it most certainly is).

I spent the better part of Tuesday trying to put “Lace-Gate” behind me. The best way to do this, I presumed, was to give up boot wearing altogether. Many great minds on many poor blogs have reported recently that footwear in general is a hindrance to human bodily health, and I for one have decided to take them at their word. And let me tell you, what a feeling it was to stroll the streets of my town with nothing between the earth and myself. I passed by a squirrel and I felt we shared a moment together, bonded by the lack of materials attached to our feet. What a joy to be this close to nature.

Wednesday was spent in the hospital receiving a tetanus shot.

Which brings me to Thursday. As I lay incapacitated in bed from the countless sores and cuts on my feet, I began to ponder the merits of a life lived “off the grid.” I had a brief conversation with myself.

“Yes. This is a wonderful idea.”

“But how will you accomplish such a feat? What thought have you given this?”

“Thought is of little importance.  We must act on instinct.”

With that I grabbed my computer and cell phone and took a taxi cab to the local lake (I am required not to walk for the next week). I proceeded to throw my belongings as far into the lake as I could muster the strength to. What release! It was like being reborn.  Maybe one day these electronic devices will decompose back to their original forms, and allow new creations to bloom from them. The circle of life. I had done it.

Which brings me to now, writing this at the e-station inside my local Burger King restaurant. I’m sorry I didn’t write a column this week.

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