Audio files: The crowbar of logic and truth does not gently weep

Posted on October 14th, 2010 by Michael Cade

Welcome back to “Audio Files.”

This week, I offer a greater contribution to the human condition than psychosexual non-sequiturs. This week, I present a dispiriting thesis, a sad exploration of America’s cultural amnesia and politics of convenience. In tardy tribute to the 25th anniversary of Tipper Gore’s most prominent life-achievement (the obstruction of anal vapors), I tackle the thorny issue of music and politics. Well, not really.

I started to write a long diatribe about the Parents Music Resource Center and how its blue-ribbon panel of smut-busters once dug through discount vinyl bins so it could meticulously inform the congressional record on such issues as Mercyful Fate and W.A.S.P. lyrics. But the piece eroded into an indecipherable hodge-podge of references to Pascal Bruckner and Falconhurst, so I abandoned ship.

It’s time for more substantive matters. Let’s move on to this week’s special guests and their “Desert Island Discs.” Admittedly, I’ve failed in my attempts to give this feature a better name. Anyone have some ideas? I’m coming up empty — “Shipwrecked Schmaltz”? “Ear Worm Isle”?

S.O.S.

Anyway, I’m in good company this week. I’ve got two damn fine individuals ready to contribute their “Fave 5.” Let’s go.

5 ALBUMS W/ VLADIMIR ZAMANSKY

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An immutable truth of the online experience is that messageboard forums are awful. In general, they are diseased reservoirs of bad spelling and bad ideas. A notable exception is author Jim Goad‘s Netjerk Lounge, which is top-notch. One of the most entertaining members in Jim’s confab chamber is Vladimir Zamansky, who hails from the faraway Russian town of Pionersky in the Kaliningrad Oblast.

Vlad’s good nature and kind-hearted ways are the stuff of Internet legend. He recently translated some of Mr. Goad’s work into Russian, which led to a Cyrillic reproduction of Goad’s Shit Magnet.

Here are Vladimir’s five essential albums:

Massive Attack, Protection

Tricky, Pre-Millenium Tension

Hank Williams, Long Gone Daddy

The Stone Roses, The Very Best Of Stone Roses

The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead

A stellar list. Tricky’s “Bad Dream” was completely new and alien when I first stumbled upon it. And it still holds power!

Now I’ll lend the aural gloves to intrepid reporter Jeff Winkler:

5 ALBUMS W/ JEFF WINKLER

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In his own words, Jeff “writes frequently at the Daily Caller and much less frequently at other publications including Reason Magazine and the Washington City Paper. He has been blackballed from half the papers in New Zealand and his work has appeared in Worm Digest. Follow him on The Twitter @slobberchop.”

Here’s Jeff’s response to my Twitter-borne overtures:

Thanks so much for the invite to contribute. Unfortunately, I won’t be of much help.

I have some serious issues concerning your ‘Desert Island Top 5′ that I simply cannot get past. First of all, what’s the audio platform? Did I bring my iPod and headphone? Did I bring my iDocket? If that’s the case, my songs are probably on my iPhone, which probably has a good iGPS and thus an even better i-Rescued.

Are we talking about the Top 5 vinyls for the desert island? If that’s the case, then we have a Gilligan’s Island Paradox: why the hell would I be lugging that much stuff around for a simple three-hour tour, and if I did have that much stuff why wouldn’t I’ve just made a boat from the vinyl player’s wood and fashioned oars out of Sides A & C of Exile On Main St.?

I’m not trying to be difficult. But consider the other fact that folks buy complete box sets these days. In my case, it’s free, pirated mixes. Still, if I had enough money to buy some choice box sets, it’d mean I’d have enough to also buy quality sedatives. Having both of those would mean I’d never leave my apartment and thus avoid islands all together.

So Ice, I’m sorry but I can’t help. Actually, the question has suddenly put me in a bad mood. When that happens, I usually put on Rage Against the Machine. It really doesn’t matter which album since they all sound very rage-y. So I suppose if I were on a desert island and had just finished killing a feral beast, impaled its head on a spike and ran around with the entrails around my neck like some sort of satanic boa, then — sure — some RATM might be perfect in that case too. It’d also get me in a good fuck-The-Man mood. And I mean, THE man — God. He’d be the only one whom I could blame if I were alone on a desert island. Also, conches make for poor instruments.

Another one of my favorite listens when I’m in the dumps is The Best of Chuck Berry. “Johnny B. Goode” was one of the first songs I learned as a kid. Berry’s songs are my childhood and listening to him would be a definite lifesaver. Deep nostalgia, like an abundant supply of fish, can keep you fed for years – even if it takes you longer than 30 Days to get back home.

Hey, wait a minute! I see what you’re doing here — tricking me into wasting my time & effort on your silly theoretical. Well played sir, well played. I’ll concede that you almost had me. Since I’m an honorable man I’ll abide by your original request. But I’m only giving you three of the top five. You’re welcome.

Jeff’s Top *3* Desert Island Picks

Grizzly Bear, Yellow House — You just know this desert island, like every island, is gonna have some good weed. A layered, chill-out record is essential when smoking to pass the time. I’d say the Pink Floyd box set but — again — if I had that, I’d also have enough money to be at home relaxing, where I’d be listening to Yellow House anyway. It’s another a paradox.

Bright Eyes – I’m Wide Awake/It’s Morning — For one, the album starts off with the classic genesis of island castaways — a plane crash. The rest of the album is full of small regrets and big wordplay. It’s one of the best lyrical albums in a long time. Also, with no else on the desert island, I could blast the album without getting made fun of by my hipster friends, cynical peers, or jock acquaintances. It’s only a guilty pleasure because of everyone else’s baseless accusations.

Toss up: The Band – Big Pink //Drive-by Truckers – The Dirty South — Why the Band? Three words: Helm, Danko, Manuel. The music, lyrics and multi-instrumental layers are great but I’ve heard it all so much I’m not sure I could handle it on a desert island. Conversely, DBT has layers and layers of ass-kicking guitar and great lyrical stories. They also have a song on The Dirty South titled “Danko/Manuel.”

There, I hope you’re happy, Ice. But you’re not getting anything else from me. I’d throw in The Bible on CD voiced by James Earl Jones but as honest as I am about that selection, I don’t think you’d believe me. Technically it’s not an album. Since it’s on CD, however, it can also be called the Greatest Story Every Heard.

Anyway man, I gotta let you go. My iTunes got stuck on Kraftwerk and that crap makes me want to pull my eyes out of their electronica sockets no matter where I am.