10. Has pictures of Barry Bonds all over his bedroom

9. During gym class rope climb, he yanked down half the ceiling

8. He’s always Googling “the best way to get around urine tests”

7. His personal trainer: Alex Rodriguez’s cousin

6. This year he’s a starting fullback; last year he was an oboist in the school band

5. Buys all his clothes at Big, Tall & ’Roidy

4. Makes Lou Ferrigno look like Justin Bieber

3. He shaves twice a day, and he’s in the fifth grade

2. His right arm is enormous, and he doesn’t masturbate

1. He doesn’t masturbate, because there’s nothing to hold onto
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

Latest posts by Bob Sullivan (Posts)

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• Top ten more alcohol one-liners - April 16, 2018
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• Top ten revelations in the Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview - April 2, 2018

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