“No-one’s gonna really be free until nerd persecution ends.”

Many Americans do not live healthy lifestyles, leading to an obesity epidemic. I know this because there is a featured story on it on the nightly news just about every week and there are a bunch of shows on basic cable covering it, not to mention The Biggest Loser. Since this is all happening on TV, we can’t honestly blame real live people for this problem. So where do we start? Ronald McDonald, Burger King and that demon-haired Wendy are on the list to begin with. Not to mention the militaristic Colonel Sanders, rounding out our usual suspects. But those characters have all taken steps to clear their names and have cleaned up their menus as best they could, for the sake of public opinion. Thorton Mellon, would be a good candidate since his Big and Tall Stores take advantage of the overweight (“If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people,” his TV ad prescribes.) But his athleticism on the diving board should, and does, exclude him from blame.

No. It’s Lewis, Gilbert, Takashi, Booger, Wormser, Poindexter, Lamar and the rest of the Tri-Lams of Adams College, heroes of The Revenge of the Nerds movie franchise, that are our villains here. (What were they getting revenge for anyway? Being forced to “live” in the gym? Doesn’t seem like a bad idea for a nation on the brink of a collective pants splitting.) In their victory in the eternal struggle between brains and brawn, the Tri-Lams took down the hyper-athletic Alpha Betas, and with them the idea that being physically fit is good. Even Stan Gable, Adams College quarterback and Alpha Beta, in a rare moment of intelligent reflection states, “Those nerds are a threat to our way of life.” How right he was.

Not that the Tri-Lams were completely adverse to exercise and a healthy lifestyle. The Tri-Lams themselves were not obese, though the same could not be said for their Sorority friends, the Omega Mus. In fact if you look at each of the Tri-Lams physically, maybe only Booger has a few extra pounds around the gut. Most of them were just out of shape bean poles.  

You may also point out that several of the contests in Homecoming Olympics involved some form of athleticism. But the case against them begins with the fact that they did not win these contests fairly.

Example one — The javelin throw. Lamar, who was probably the most in shape of any of the Tri-Lams, since we see him on several occasions doing aerobics, can only win by using a javelin that has been modified to account for his limp-wristed throwing motion. This hardly seems legal, but apparently the rest of the Greek system at Adams College was too drunk or stupid to appeal.  

Example two — The Arm Wrestling Contest. While going up against a girl, Booger, true to his name, picks his nose right before the contest is to start, basically grossing out the female contestant into submission. Not exactly a show of physical strength, or good sportsmanship for that matter.

Example three — The Tug of War. In the contest that would require the most use of energy (aside from the drunken tri-cycle race in which the Tri-Lams, again, cheat to win), the Tri-Lams simply give up without a fight. They simply let go of the rope. 

At the end of ROTN, the nerds win Homecoming, and take control of the Greek Council. Lewis steals his dream girl away from the captain of the football team, and the football team is banished to live in the gym, where they belong. It is all a neatly packaged Hollywood ending and we probably would have been fine except for the fact Revenge of Nerds 2: Nerds In Paradise was released a short time later further pushing the anti-fitness agenda.

In ROTN2: NIP, the Tri-Lams embark on their journey to Fort Lauderdale for the United Fraternity conference. The Alpha Betas, who are once again pitted as the natural enemy of the Tri-Lams, have proposed legislation that not only do all member fraternities need to uphold a certain level of academic standards, they must also have a minimum requirement of physical standards as well. In essence, they would need to stay in shape and be healthy. Of course, this doesn’t sit well with the Tri-Lams because the standards will be determined by the Alpha Betas in an obvious attempt to have the nerds kicked out of the conference. Proposition 15 is a faulty piece of legislation by any standard, but it may have been for the greater good in this case. 

The Tri-Lams counter by throwing a party at their hotel and perform a full on rap show imploring the crowd to vote, “No on 15” (We could also blame them for the farce that politics has become, but that’s an article for another time). The next day, the proposal is shot down, striking a blow for libertarianism, and the nerds are allowed to continue to live their unhealthy lifestyles. Not only that, but in the end, Lewis once again gets the girl, proving that it pays to make bad choices.

So what, you say? The Tri-Lams were simply the better men, using their minds to conquer their foes. But while striking a victory for the intellectual, they made it seem as if it were almost evil to be in shape. Perhaps we should be blaming the Alpha Betas themselves for being such meathead douche bags. And maybe the overall message is about moderation in both the physical and mental sense. But the Tri-Lams offer no real evidence in their favor. Even at the end of ROTN2: NIP they welcome Frederick Pawlowatski, aka Ogre, the former Alpha Beta, into their fraternity. While we do see him working out in the first film, he is probably the Alpha Beta with the most girth. Real world implications would follow. 

What happened in the real world after the defeat of the Alpha Betas was this: the proliferation of the internet, highly advanced gaming systems like the Playstation and X-Box, video on-demand and a million other inventions that keep us from exercising (the Nintendo Wii notwithstanding). Who’s to blame for these inventions? That’s right: Nerds.

I’m not suggesting that laws should be passed to force people to live healthy lifestyles. That is too intrusive and over reaching. But perhaps if we persecuted nerds a little more aggressively, we wouldn’t be as fat a country. Freedom and pocket protectors be damned.

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