The Complete History of Everything, by MC: Penis Affidavits; Muscle Shirts; Toe Socks; Parsifal; Kalmykian Ewoks; Howard the Duck; Famine; Societal Collapse; and Lotion Play
Pedia Press is a pretty neat concept. It allows anyone to compile hand-picked Wikipedia pages and transform them into books that are instantly available for purchase. The super-simple process takes about 10 to 15 minutes. I’ve already produced a few volumes of my own. Each one, detailed below, has made the world a better place.
Inanimate Immortality. This baby retails for $33.04. It explores the world of taxidermy, androids, sex dolls and other items that mimic or commemorate life. Key sections include robot fetishism, glove puppetry, and shrunken heads. My favorite passage is from the Icelandic Phallological Museum: ”Although the museum does not yet have a Homo sapiens specimen, in the interest of advancing phallological knowledge, a patron (Páll Arason, born in 1915 and currently 94 years old) has donated, presumably posthumously, an affidavit for his penis.”
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Uncompromising! Unrelenting! Unforgiving!: This BRUTAL tome of CRUSHING TRUTHS and RAW, UNFETTERED POWER documents those rebels of art and song who REFUSE to SACRIFICE THEIR INTEGRITY or UNDERMINE their UNYIELDING COMMITMENT TO THE UNPLEASANT EXACTITUDE OF REALITY! These stouthearted iconoclasts and violently principled individualists will NEVER SELL OUT, even for self-fulfillment, money or quality of life.
Folks, If you know a punk rawk blogger who posts William S. Burroughs’ IN-YOUR-FACE Thanksgiving prayer each November, this item — and the COCKSURE INTENSITY SPILLING OUT OF EACH FEROCIOUS, IRON-FISTED PAGE — will make his ass coo like an indelicate MACHINE GUN of PANDEMONIUM AND RAGE! Key sections include Rapeman, Bikini Kill, atonality, Killdozer, and Amphetamine Reptile. There is also a helpful list of anti-consumerists. Huzzah, motherfuckers!
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WTF: The Bizarre Missteps, Revisionist History, and Authoritarian Weirdness of George Lucas: George Lucas is bold and crazy. Unlike you and me, he’s willing to fail in a “screw you, I’m creating a character called Jar Jar Binks” way. He’ll go down in flames — wed to the idea of a Howard the Duck screenplay — while spraying geek musk at any test audience that dares challenge him. All the usual suspects are here — Jar Jar Binks; Ewoks (FYI: their language is based on Kalmyk); Jake Lloyd; merchandising; Anakin Skywalker; Ahmed Best; and “Han Shot First.”
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The Big Book of Gurgitation: This handy compendium of food and meals is essential, and modestly priced at $20.60. Future volumes will explore intestinal disorders, gastronomical literature, and famine. The current volume offers insight regarding macrobiotic diets; pimento loaves; veganarchism; the International Federation of Competitive Eating; and vorarephilia (a fetish involving eating, or being eaten).
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People, Places or Things Worthy of Their Own Theme Park: This one is fairly self explanatory. Imagine a world where you can go to:
- Gentrification Glades;
- The Learned Helplessness Speedway;
- The Ralph Nader Family Fun Center;
- Harvey Sid Fisher Studios;
- Tariq Ramadan’s Mystery Village;
- The Societal Collapse Water Slides;
- The Enchanted Forests of Andrea Dworkin; and
- Bilderberg Gardens.
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The Many Loves and Fetishes of Parsifal: Smiles are rippling through my underpants because I saved the best item for last. If When Falls the Coliseum is the Muppet Show, then frequent commenter/heckler Parsifal is Statler, suspended above Waldforf in a Vietnamese Spin-Fuck Chair. Many Loves brings to light the soul-stirring conflicts and gender issues that animate and arouse the P-Man. Key sections include Alan Alda, Feral Pigeons, Hogging, Toe Socks, Lotion Play, Therapeutic Horseback Riding, and Caution Tape.
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Order two of each. When your “friends” see them on your bookshelves, they’ll want to steal one for themselves.
I do like how the amazon.com advertisement beneath the post contains links to the “Howard the Duck” “special edition” (what? no “director’s cut”?) dvd, and “The Garbage Pail Kids” movie dvd. The reason I like this is because apparently The Garbage Pail Kids didn’t rate a “special edition” of their film, but “Howard the Duck” did.
Having seen both films I can tell you that they’re both equally worthy of this honor.
@Ricky
I actually like Lucas’ most abysmal failures, e.g. Jar Jar, the Ewoks, Howard the Duck, etc. Those detours into “bad idea” territory tend to highlight the eccentricity and unpredictability of his Crazy-Faced Genius.
There’s some kind of weird pathos at work with the guy — he can creatively self-destruct like one else in movie history, and I find that dynamic interesting. I’d wager that the guy who comes closest to emulating this dynamic is David Lynch, who was Lucas’ original choice to direct RETURN OF THE JEDI. My God, I wish that marriage of genius would have happened. We would be seeing Ewoks in a whole new light, I’m sure.
Pathos!
It’s sad, because Howard the Duck was a great comic book. I believe I still have the complete collection, including all the prequels.
@Colin
Maybe David Lynch passed on directing JEDI so that he could leave his schedule open for HOWARD THE DUCK. Now that would have been sublime.
I think Howard the Duck could’ve only worked as a 2D animated film. There’s just no other way of not making him look ridiculous, which he never does in comic-book form.
Ricky’s the person who should really make it. He’s got the proper artistic and intellectual sense.