Going Parental: Top 10 ways to make your husband a better wife

A lot of my friends have been complaining to me about their husbands lately. The stories all sort of blur together and it seems as though most of them (the husbands in question) do the same dumb shit. Now — we all know I don’t have a husband. And for those of you who didn’t know that bit of information — now you do. So you may wonder what qualifies me to even create such a top ten. It’s simple — for all intents and purposes, I am a wife and I have a wife — I’m the perfect person for the job.

My wife rocks. She really does. I mean she’s super sensitive and has a touch of OCD and sometimes I want to smash her against a wall — but in all honesty, she is an incredible mother and wife. She always knows when to swoop in and save me from saying something I’ll regret, and knowing when to take our daughter out just to give me some alone time. Our daughter fully likes her better than me. It’s cool. I totally get it. I’m an impatient, strict bitch. How they both put up with my shit is beyond me.

But I digress. 

Now on to our top ten. Here are my top ten things you should do and/or say to turn your husband into a better wife. Because let’s be honest — all you married straight women out there wish you had a wife, and maybe you do — her name is “the nanny.” But for those of you who don’t, here’s my best advice, or at least my best methods of revenge — listen, sometimes it’s all we have, OK? Don’t judge.

10.  Burn his golf clubs — or better yet, sell them on e-bay and use the money you make to buy yourself something nice — like a shirt that doesn’t have dried spit-up and all sorts of disgusting stains on it.

9.  When the baby cries in the middle of the night and he pretends not to hear it, wait a few hours, and then whisper in his ear and tell him you want sex — I bet you he hears that. When he’s all hot and ready to go — roll over and pretend you don’t hear him.

8.  Call his mother and tell her that he’s dying to spend more time with her and that the kids would love to see their Grandma more. Also explain that he doesn’t want to ask because he doesn’t want to make her feel obligated. Then — every time she calls to make plans, go along with it and then fake a fever and even make yourself vomit to get out of it so he has to go alone with the kids. Let him have fun with that shit.

7. Explain to him that watching his own kids isn’t “babysitting,” it’s parenting! When your 15-year-old neighbor watches the kids, that’s babysitting.

6.  When he comes home at the end of a long day and makes it seem as though his job is so much harder than yours — wake up before him the next morning and leave the house. Let him see how easy his job actually is.

The next five are directed toward the stupid husbands themselves. Pay attention boys:

5.  Don’t look at porn in the living room when you’re supposed to be watching the baby. Plopping the kid down in front of the TV while you swap porn with your online buddies isn’t considered spending time with your kids. It’s considered ignoring them.

4.  When you wake up on a bright and sunny Saturday, don’t say, “Wow what a gorgeous day — I’m going to see if I can squeeze in a quick 9 with the guys, OK?” No you douche. It’s not OK. We all know there’s no such thing as a “quick 9” because when you say 9 you mean 18 and everyone knows that’s a full days event, inevitably followed by a “quick lunch” before you go home. Instead, say, “Wow what a gorgeous day. I’m going to take the kids out for a few hours, why don’t you do something for yourself and then we’ll meet up later and hang out together.” That will get you a blow-j, no doubt. The former will you get you a shitty night’s sleep on the couch.

3.  Flowers. Bring some home. For no reason. Cheesy, old school — but always makes a woman smile. Make the card simple. Something like this, “For all you do.” How easy is that? Idiot.

2.  The next time the baby wakes up in the middle of the night — get your ass out of bed and handle it — and definitely, and I mean definitely don’t bring it up a hundred times the next day and expect a medal. You didn’t do anything extraordinary — you did what she does every other night while you pretend to sleep and not hear anything.

1.  Every time you’re left alone for a night or two with the baby — don’t run to your mother’s house for help. It makes you look like an incompetent douche and it’s a huge turn-off. A man that can handle a baby — his own baby — on his own, is sexy. Your wives want to see that. Running to your moms? Well that just makes you look like a pussy-whipped Mommy’s boy.

Good luck ladies. I’m pulling for you.

Going Parental (sporadically) appears on Thursdays. Kind of like how your husbands sporadically help out with the kids and do something nice for you.