With tax day coming up soonish (?), there is no better time than now to talk about the incredible importance of taxes in America. For one thing, they fund all of the network television stations. For another, they fund all of the wars. And if it weren’t for taxes, no one would have health care or car insurance. So, as you can see, it is very important that you do all of your taxes.

“But how do you do them?” you might be asking. Well, that’s a good question. As a 23-year-old grown up, I’ve become somewhat of an expert on how to do your taxes. Now, there’s a lot you have to think about when you do them, so I’ve found it’s best to split it up into a few manageable parts.

The first part is get the stuff — standard G4s, WCs, 102s, etc. If you have a job, you’ll have to get some of this stuff from your employer. For the rest of it, just ask your friend or relative to pick it up for you when they’re out doing errands. They’re going out anyway, so it won’t be a big deal for them to just pick the rest of it up for you at the place where you get it that everyone knows.

If you don’t have a job, you can just write a letter to the IRS explaining that you’re in between jobs right now but you promise next time you have a job you’ll definitely do all the stuff that you have to do with the taxes.

The next part is find your receipts. Gather up all the receipts you can find in your house or apartment. Some good places to look are drawers, pockets of coats and pants, under the bed, under the couch, in your wallet, in your purse, and in your car. Add up all of the money that you spent with these receipts and write that amount on a post-it note. Rubber band the receipts together with that post-it note on top and put this in an envelope with your other tax stuff.

Please remember to make sure they are your receipts, though — you wouldn’t want to commit tax fraud.

After that, you’ll want to deduct your deductibles. Deductibles are “things you can deduct, i.e., items that can be best deducted from taxes, most often for purposes of tax and tax deduction.” So, just think about what you’ve done in the past year and what of that can be deducted. After you’ve figured it out, take out your deduction form and fill in the blank spots (you’ll see them) and sign it at the bottom. Include this in the envelope.

Next, figure out how much money you gave to charity. The best part about giving to charity is that at the end of the fiscal year you get all of that money back. Bundled with that best part is the vagueness of the term “charity.” Who can really say what is and is not a charity? It’s a very tough call, one with which the government doesn’t really want to bother itself. So here’s a short list of things that you may not have thought to consider:

• CDs of friends’ bands that you bought
• Independent movies you’ve seen
• Things you’ve loaned friends that you never got back or that were returned in disrepair
• Trips to places that aren’t generally considered “destination spots” but are beautiful and charming in their own ways
• Trips to places if you flew with an airline that isn’t doing the best
• Anything made with açaí
• If you said you didn’t need a plastic bag and then put the item you bought in your purse, both the item and the purse
• Cars made in America
• Things from stores that you don’t really often see too many people in but whose owners are nice and you want them to do well
• Heath insurance
• Organic fruits and vegetables
• Meals eaten in restaurants owned by family members, neighbors, or business partners
• The bike you bought because you felt pressured to buy a bike but that you never really use
• The u-lock you bought for that bike
• Your subscription to any magazine or newspaper
• If you invited someone along to do something that you were paying for because they overheard you talking about it and you felt bad
• Anything you bought because someone was giving you the hard sell

So just add up all that stuff and put that number in the bottom right hand corner of your charity form, to be included in the envelope.

Penultimately, figure out the final amount of how much money the government owes you. This one is easy, just add up all the other amounts.

And finally, send in your finished taxes. Just mark the envelope as containing taxes and drop it in any mailbox.

And now you’re finished! Contaxulations, you did a fantaxtic job.

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