Going parental: Wasted dad puts baby in an oven

Yup. You read it correctly. Some wasted asshole actually put his baby in an oven ^[1] and left him there overnight. Talk about giving new meaning to the phrase “bun in the oven.” Congratulations, Larry Long — you are officially our daddy douche of the week. Don’t worry though, he didn’t actually turn the oven on and he even left the door slightly ajar — I’m assuming so the baby could breathe? Or maybe it was just a happy accident. After all, he claims the weed he smoked at work (he’s a cook so maybe he’s got a thing for ovens?) must have been laced as he has no recollection of putting his 5-week-old son in said oven. Seriously? The guy’s using the “bad bag” story? Come on. I’m sure the fifth of whiskey he drank when he got home had nothing to do with it.

Thankfully the baby was taken to the hospital once douche dad realized the kid was in the oven overnight. The baby checked out fine, is healthy, and has since been removed from his mother and given to her relatives. I can’t say that makes me feel better, but at least the baby is no longer in the home of the woman who allowed her baby daddy to place her baby in a fucking oven. An oven, people. An OVEN.

Apparently, dad de la’douche called a mental health crisis line immediately after he “realized” what he had done and confessed his crime. Is this supposed to make anyone feel better? First of all, I think it was a calculated move. I won’t say it was a well-thought-out move as I refuse to give this guy any intellectual credit whatsoever.

I don’t believe you have to be smart to be calculating. All you need is a few cop shows under your belt and enough stupidity to actually believe that the insanity defense can get you out of anything ^[2].

I imagine he was thinking, “Ah shit, this one’s gonna get me in trouble. I know! I’ll call one of them mental crisis centers and cry about what I done. That’ll definitely help my court-appointed attorney get me off the hook. I’m mentally unstable. Ooh ooh and my weed was laced!”

This is a joke. The guy is being charged with first degree wanton endangerment ^[3] and his bail is set at $10,000. That’s it? You nearly cook your kid and all it takes is ten grand to get you out of the joint?

So basically, this dumb-ass can pay 10% ($1,000) to a bail bondsman ^[4] and be out on the street in a heartbeat. That is, if he can come up with a grand. I guess, worst-case scenario, he could always sell his oven. 

Going Parental appears (most) Thursdays. Dads who put their kids in ovens, thankfully, don’t appear all that often — at least as far as I know.