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Going parental: “Snow Hurricane” — because the scarier it sounds, the more you’ll Google it and watch the news

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Is it me, or were snow days way more fun when we were kids? Now? Not so much.

I remember being a kid, growing up in Rockland County, NY — ya know, the place that gets all the snow the city hears about. We averaged 6 inches every time it snowed, at least — and that was nothing. I remember waking up at 6 in the morning on snow days — earlier than I ever  woke up, including these days — just to turn on RKO radio — the AM station every kid gathered around the radio to listen to, fingers crossed, praying to hear their school’s name called out during the list of cancellations. Man, those were the days. Nothing beat a snow day… as a kid. As a parent? Fuck. That. Shit.

I live in New York. The land of Snow Hurricanes, over-salted highways, under-plowed side streets, and scare tactics — like calling a friggin snow storm a “Snow Hurricane.” Just call it a blizzard. There’s (supposedly, since you never really know) going to be a crap-load of snow and a bunch of wind. Ooooh, I’m scared. Quick, run out to Waldbaums and fight with some crazy asshole buying a case of 42 rolls of toilet paper, while holding two cartons of eggs under his arms because his cart’s too full, for your place in line. It’s ridiculous.

The last storm we had was the worst. You couldn’t even take the kids out because it was an ongoing mix of snow, sleet and wind. Every kid begging to go out and play in the snow was crying within minutes when they couldn’t open their eyes because the snow was blowing in their face.


After 20 minutes of layering them up, getting their snow gear on, wrestling with them as they roll around on the ground complaining that they’re hot, and then inevitably having to take it all off right before you go outside because they have to pee, you finally make it outside and the kid lasts for a goddamn minute and then wants to go back inside. Snow. Days. Suck.

And good luck to those of you (me included) that are (normally) able to easily work from home with a toddler running around the house. Work, my ass. It’s the most futile thing I’ve ever tried to do. Every five minutes, “Can we go outside and play? When can we go sledding? Wanna make cupcakes? I’m tired. No, I don’t wanna nap! Do we have GoGurt in the house?” GoGurt, which by the way, is the messiest shit on the planet. You may as well pour all the ingredients you’d like in a smoothie into a blender, and then let the kid hit puree without putting the top on the fucking thing.

Or you could just shoot yourself in the face. Whatever you think is less messy… jury’s still out in my book. 

After the last storm, I started thinking about things I could do with my daughter to keep her busy and me sane… something that didn’t involve me drinking before noon and falling on my face. So here’s what I came up with:

  1. Play hide and seek, let them hide first, count to a billion and then lock the door of the room they hide in. They’ll stay hidden for a good ten minutes before they realize what’s going on… and even then? They’ll think you were playing a game and are hilarious. It’s a win-win.
  2. Tell them if they don’t sit down, shut their mouths and watch TV quietly, that you’re going to buy them a used Toyota when they get their license. They won’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about but at least for 2 seconds, you’ll make yourself laugh. It’s worth it when you just don’t have a comeback to some snotty remark they hit you with.
  3. If your child is under 2-2½, ask them to say “fork,” “clock,” “truck,” or “stick” repeatedly — until you stop laughing. To prolong the laughter, call your friends and make them say it to them too — or even better, leave it on their answering machines for them to hear when they get home. If your kid has good enunciation, this game will not be fun for you.
  4. Call all of your friends that don’t have kids and hate them for either being asleep, out drinking or playing Wii. Then make your kid hug you so you can delude yourself into thinking being a mom totally rocks in that moment. And then, when they say “let’s eat chips and cookies for lunch,” enjoy the moment when you realize it actually is pretty fun having them around… Until they spill milk all over the place and the cleaning lady was just there and you want to hurl them through a window. Whoever came up with, “there’s no use in crying over spilled milk,” clearly never had to clean it up off the floor, wall, carpet, tutu, Arielle doll, fridge magnets and unopened mail. Suck it, you douche.
  5. Introduce your kid to YouTube. It can easily make an hour fly by. Be sure to show them a video of kids falling off sleds and hurting themselves.

That’s all I have for now. Enjoy the seclusion, shoveling, back pain and runny noses all of you North-Easterners!

Going Parental (usually) appears every Thursday. This Saturday, my boy Alex will be appearing at a snowed in temple celebrating his Bar Mitzvah. Big Ups Ally-Al. You rock that Haftorah like it’s nobody’s business. 

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4 Responses to “Going parental: “Snow Hurricane” — because the scarier it sounds, the more you’ll Google it and watch the news”

  1. OK, where to begin:

    1) Hearing your school on the RKO radio announcement is comparable to the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning for all you jews out there.

    2) I love when you call people crazy assholes.

    3) Clearly your parents promise you a used Toyota with only 1 hub cap… and they pulled trough :o)

  2. agreed!! the spilling of the milk is so on target!

  3. Gathering around RKO radio?? What fucking year were you born in? 1942??

  4. cracking up like usual! loved all of it!

    and gogurts are so freaken messy! i hate those things!!

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