Thirteen Misconceptions Surrounding National Shelve Your Indie Novel in the Superbookstore Month

1)  America did not carpet bomb any lawless tribal regions with remaindered and pulped copies of confiscated counterfeit Indie versions of Sarah Palin’s autobiography.

2)  103,017 bottles and cans of Coke and Pepsi staged a walk out from 7-11 freezer space across the country in protest of the marginalization of indie novelists and collusive practices across the country.

3)  Jeff Bezos follows 213,497 Indie novelists on twitter, includes contact info for 112,239 others on his blackberry, stores 9,212 of their novels on his kindle, but did not tell 139 others that “it ain’t a score if it’s shelved front door.”

4)  Andy Breslin shelved and sold 2,317 copies of Mother’s Milk and used all net receipts to establish a cash-for-ranting scholarship fund.   

5)  In March 2009, Warren Buffet almost bought warrants to “save the collective ass” of large-cap publishing but then undid the deal after an Indie novel brought him laughter, tears, and a feeling of release not experienced since leaving his last shareholder’s meeting.

6)  Southwest Airlines encourages obese passengers to buy multiple tickets unless they can prove Kevin Smith’s movies were an inspiration for their foray into Indie novelizations of independent films.

7)  Mark Rayner flashed “all five fractals” as he was shown the door of a major retail chain in downtown Toronto but remained neutral on Southwest Airline’s policy.

8) In secret negotiations, five big-book executives bought the rights to an authorized Vladimir Putin autobiography that will include pop-up judo scenes but no mention of his secret war against Indie novelists.

9)   213 Christian ministers signed a petition stating that if Jesus returned today he would be with us in the form of an Indie novelist.

10)   The German phrase for Indie Novelist is not pronounced like the Yiddish phrase for “Illin’ Rabbi,” but there is evidence of Indie novelist activity throughout modern Europe.

11)   Self manipulation with your Indie novel is illegal in half the states that require parental consent for gay marriage if partners have been together for over 18 years.

12)   Amtrak union employees voted not to picket superbookstores throughout the Northeast corridor but reserve their right to strike for better lighting for efficiency apartments and parents’ basements housing Indie novelists in other regions.

13)   Contrary to the official position of the United States of Kudera, February is not America’s National Shelve Your Indie Novel in the Superbookstore Month and all shelving cheats caught in national bookstore chains will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

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Alex Kudera

Alex Kudera's Fight For Your Long Day (Atticus Books) was drafted in a walk-in closet during a summer in Seoul, South Korea and consequently won the 2011 IPPY Gold Medal for Best Fiction from the Mid-Atlantic Region. It is an academic tragicomedy told from the perspective of an adjunct instructor, and reviews and interviews can be found online and in print in The Chronicle of Higher Education, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Inside Higher Ed, Academe, and elsewhere. His second novel, Auggie's Revenge (Beating Windward Press), and a Classroom Edition of Fight for Your Long Day (Hard Ball Press) were published in 2016. Kudera's other publications include the e-singles Frade Killed Ellen (Dutch Kills Press), The Betrayal of Times of Peace and Prosperity (Gone Dog Press), and Turquoise Truck (Mendicant Bookworks). When he's not reading or writing, he frets, fails, walks, works, and helps raise a child.

Latest posts by Alex Kudera (Posts)

• Back and Broke in Philly - June 18, 2017
• An Interview With Rebecca Schuman - April 13, 2017
• A Poor Man’s Christmas - December 25, 2016
• Excerpt from Auggie’s Revenge - December 2, 2016
• The Writer’s Parents - September 18, 2016

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