And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Somali pirates kidnap entire cargo ships. That’s cool. They get $3 million ransoms. That’s cool. Helicopters drop the ransoms on the ships. That’s cool. Then pirates head to their secret hideout to split the booty. That’s cool.

But pirates used to be even cooler. In the old days, pirates wore eye patches. That’s way cool. Missing an eye is awesome. And they had a wooden peg for a missing leg. Also cool, because missing a leg is even more badass than missing an eye. The more famous among them might be missing a hand, and they might put something practical in its place, like a hook. That is cool and also very practical. Not so badass, though, because a pirate with a hook instead of a hand was frightened of crocodiles. And clocks. 

But pirates often had talking parrots on their shoulders, which is very cool. Because the birds could talk, and sometimes repeated something to great comic effect. And pirates said “Arrgggh!” a lot. That is so cool. No one knows what “Arrgggh!” means, which also makes pirates mysterious. Mysteriously cool.

And they didn’t wield machine guns and machetes like today’s pirates, but sabers and swords, and they swashbuckled, like all the time, just swinging from ship to ship on ropes and fighting other pirates and whatnot (mostly they did this before they were missing a leg and an eye, which can make swashbuckling more difficult). All in all, in the old days, pirates were the best. Even their flag was cool. It was known as the “Jolly Roger.” That’s a happy name. Pirates basically had a jolly good time, Roger.

Everyone wants to be a pirate. Well, not everyone. But some people do. And kids definitely do. Whether it’s Halloween or not, they love dressing like pirates. And people of all ages love pirate movies. Also, they love Johnny Depp.

What’s not to love about pirates? They’re cool. That’s been clearly established. And history happened a long time ago, so let’s not worry ourselves about the central premise and historical record of piracy, with its theft, kidnapping, intimidation, slavery, and murder. Downer! These days people mostly just want to pirate music. And that doesn’t hurt anyone except for record companies. But no one makes records anymore, so that doesn’t matter. And the Dread Pirate Roberts apparently didn’t kill anyone at all. Sailors were so scared of him, they just surrendered immediately and gave him whatever he wanted. It isn’t really stealing if people give their money to you voluntarily.

In the old days, pirates did sometimes make people walk the plank. That is very cool. People would fall off the end and drown or be eaten by sharks. Walking the plank is so cool, they do it in all sorts of TV shows and movies, including a Star Trek movie, with hilarious results. Even in a galaxy far, far away, Jabba the Hutt made Luke Skywalker walk the plank. That didn’t turn out so well. I guess jedis are more powerful than pirates. So is Sandy Duncan (and she can’t see out of one eye, beating pirates at their own coolness). Also more powerful than pirates: Navy SEALS.

But pirates are still cool. And they’re more popular than ever. “Worldwide, piracy attacks rose nearly 40 percent in 2009.” Almost everyone wants to be a pirate. But not all is perfect in pirate-land. 

As ransoms paid to Somali pirates spiral higher, competition between rival gangs has been growing. A dispute in January over the biggest ever payoff to Somali pirates for a Greek-flagged oil tanker sparked gun battles at sea and on land. 

It saddens me to think that pirates are turning on each other. I don’t remember Captain Hook and Smee letting a disagreement lead to a gun battle, but my knowledge doesn’t extend beyond the Disney film of Peter Pan. Still, times have changed for pirates. And that’s too bad.

But don’t fear pirates, and don’t fear for them. Yes, according to a EU naval official, “pirate activity in the Somali basin has grown and grown exponentially.” And there is the matter of that $3 million ransom just paid. But “U.N. officials say international naval operations and improved coordination have led to a decrease in the rate of successful pirate attacks and have raised the cost of pirate operations.”

So, depending on who you think in this article knows what the hell they’re talking about, pirates are in a lot of trouble or doing better than ever.

You can take comfort in that.

About Scott Stein

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd //