2009: I saved the best for last
Years are full of memories. Memories are full of people. People are full of shit. Shit is heralded by farts: some clear and crisp, others murky and wet. Yeah, everyone farts, but not like this.
Some people, mainly guys, keep a mental account of flatulence. Much like the broken winds themselves the tales of past gas billow and grow from a bearly audible tuft to a thunderous clap.
I’m a large man and farting has always been a point of pride for my masculinity. It’s not just clearing a room or cracking one so loud that the person next to me complains about ringing in his/her ear, but the uncontrollable nature of gas. Any art has an untamed quality to it; a life of its own, which allows a given work grow to fruition of its own volition. And through this untamed magnificence an artist can produce more masterful works of art than he/she could create with all forces under his/her full control. Such is the case with my greatest fart of 2009.
December 27, 2009 — It was mid-afternoon at Best Buy in Sunbury PA, the town my parents moved to when I graduated from college, I had returned two duplicate presents and was browsing for a replacement. The Wii aisle of the video game section was packed with mothers tethered to their children as they endlessly searched for the best way to spend their gift card. I had just shoved my way into the fray when a ninja slipped from my anus.
Born and spread in a deadly silence, the odor assaulted my fellow shoppers. A few people groaned as the smelly shurikens struck their nostrils. Mothers grabbed their children and dragged them from the video game section. One mother with a particularly stubborn child actually picked her brat up and carried him under her arm; his little legs twitching in a methane fuelled delirium. This wasn’t the dull reek you’d find in a sewage treatment plant or port-a-potty. This gas was actively offensive. Days of meats, sweets, and egg nog (so much egg nog) had been processed into a biologic weapon: I’ve never smelled Sarin gas, but I’d assume it’s pleasant by comparison.
Like Dr. Frankenstein, I was torn between acting out in revolt and claiming my beautiful, perfect monster. Instead I stifled a laugh, abandoned the Wii games, and went to browse DVDs. But here is the beautiful thing about ninjas- they’re too funny to be kept quiet.
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Thanks for keeping it classy.
Wow! Quite a story.
Reminds me of my favorite story ever. If you like this kind of humor, and have a strong stomach, read this story: http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
This must be some kind of avant-garde thing, right?
Wow, you actually took the time to write about a fart and your selfish enjoyment at others? Expense. Hail the libertarian rectum.
It might be wise for Steve to eat more fibre, so he can shit anally rather than through his fat typing fingers.
I love how the head libertarian posted that big “der this is a great site about people writing great stuff and it’s important and deep” and the best he can get in the way of writers is Fatty Fartenjoyer and Fatty Can’tpleaseawoman. You win, porkbags. You win the internets.
Still a virgin, huh?
Joking about farting and shit, too. All right wing, for sure.
Eddie Murphy must really be right wing. Probably voted for Bush:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEIfHrwrSVU
Mel Brooks must be right wing because he jokes about farting, which everyone knows is never funny and only done by right wing nutjobs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6dm9rN6oTs
…because of farting
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=terrance%20and%20phillip%20farting&search=Search&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&spell=1
.. and is a racist right wing nut because he thinks there is something funny about farting in public.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LazXj9YrH1M
What are you eleven years old
Be sure to call people fat when you don’t like what they’ve written. It is endearing. Makes people think your politics are tolerant and inclusive. You wouldn’t want to be the party of hate — that’s too right wing. And be sure to call them right wing, too, when their post is not about politics and they don’t write about politics. When their post is about farting. This way your fellow tolerant and inclusive friends will know that it is okay to also call them fat.
Sure thing, Fatty.
Ya know, I looked up above and see people referring to Fartsmeller Pursuivant as libertarian, where was he called racist right-wing yarg etc etc?
I guess if a fat guy writes for a libnertarian site you have to call him a lithe centrist or something, heaven forbid you call him a fat libertarian who posts gleefully at his perverse pleasure in clearing an aisle of people with the malodorous expulsions from his doughy arse.
Hey Steve,
Perfect. Light-hearted fratire, was a good read for a few minutes after work on a Friday. Shruikens was a great analogy, I laughed my ass off there.
Any way we can syndicate this somewhere else so I don’t have to put up with the Christ-like saviors of literature and their amazing comments? All their cranial horsepower makes me feel inadequate.
All their cranial horsepower makes me feel inadequate.
You’re not used to it by now?
Hey maybe you can syndicate it at http://mybestfartstories.com ?
I’ve never smelled Sarin gas, but I’d assume it’s pleasant by comparison
Sarin is a clear, colorless, and tasteless liquid that has no odor in its pure form.
Sarin is the new Iocain powder.
So can you build up a resistance to it, like in The Princess Bride?
Yes Scott you can but it takes several years. And I can track a falcon on a cloudy day.
Inconceivable!!!