It’s the end of 2009 and the end of the single digit years in the 2000s. When this time of year rolls around we get bombarded with “the year in review” or the “decade in review” or the “top ten bakeries of the year,” etc. Now, I’m not opposed to lists. In fact, I spend a lot of time discussing and refining my own mental lists of the best things. Movies, bands, comics… I’m not sure why I do it. I suppose I want to definitively know, through aggressive research and discussion, what the best anything is. That way when some dude comes up and says P.S. I Love You is the greatest movie of all time, I can walk him through my list and he can see that maybe it’s just a little lower than he thought.

But what about the last decade? Not something of all time but just the last decade? Sort of narrow the scope a bit. Separate the wheat from the chaff. Let the cream rise to the top, ya know? As I’m deployed to Africa, presumably defending the United States, I figured why not rank the 50 states over the last decade. I’m willing to die for these states and they should know what order they are in. Plus, if I rank them, maybe they’ll stop emailing me. So Rob (a buddy here in Africa with me) and I discussed it last night. Here is a list of the top 50 US states of the last decade:

#50 CONNECTICUT and RHODE ISLAND — These two pieces of crap are barely even states. The people who live there don’t even want to live there. They will never admit to it, but people from Connecticut have dreams about being from New York. People from Rhode Island have nasty, crazy, freaky, sex dreams about being from Massachusetts. Why are they still states?

#49 WEST VIRGINIA — Like Megatron is to Optimus Prime, Lex Luther is to Superman, Godzilla is to the architecture industry of Japan, West Virginia is to all things decent and right with the world. West
Virginia was actually kicked out of Virginia because West Virginia refused to stop making hump-hump on the livestock.

#48 OREGON — If you didn’t know Oregon existed you wouldn’t be any less of an American. At one point I contemplated moving to Oregon. I went to look it up on a map, and ended cleaning my garage. Plus that Oregon Trail video game sucked balls.

#47 SOUTH CAROLINA — You have to give them credit for adhering to the idea that while it should be illegal to keep your horses in bathtubs, it should also be legal for every adult male to bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.

#46 NORTH CAROLINA — Not a whole lot of difference from South Carolina to North Carolina, but at least they didn’t end up on the bottom.

#45 PUERTO RICO — Our greatest island state, hands down.

#44 HAWAII — Although I don’t really get what all the hype is about, a lot of people dig Hawaii. It is the birthplace of the current President and I have to put it somewhere on this list so why not here?

#43 MICHIGAN — My dad tells me that at one point all the cars in America used to be made in America. Yeah right, and I bet we used to pick our own lettuce, too. Sometimes when people get old they start to “remember” things that didn’t really happen.

#42 MARYLAND — It has the only state flag that looks like something that would have flown over advancing hordes of sword-wielding maniacs.

#41 OKLAHOMA — I think that movie There Will Be Blood was about Oklahoma; maybe it wasn’t. Daniel Day Lewis’ performance in that movie netted him an Oscar for Best Actor. It was nominated for Best Picture but it didn’t win. No Country for Old Men won, and that was cool too. It’s really hard to decide which one really deserved to win. What I can tell you is that freaking Juno should not have even been nominated. Are you serious, a movie about some chick getting pregnant versus two of the most awesome movies ever? What the hell was the Academy thinking with that? Juno, seriously? Why not just nominate Superbad? It had the same male lead actor, and that movie was funny as hell. McLovin, dawg!!!

#40 COLORADO — Colorado played a role in the planning of the 9/11 attacks. This I do not like. It is sneaky and underhanded. However, the abbreviation for Colorado is CO. This I like. It is straightforward and honest, unlike MI, MS, MT, MA or MO. The “M” states are so confusing. I hate having to mail something to Mississippi. I can never remember whether it is MS or MI. Why don’t they use MP? Same with Montana, is it MO, MT or MA? It could be any of them. Sure, there is an O in California and Connecticut, but not anywhere that using the abbreviation CO would make any sense.

#39 ALABAMA — Other than burying his wife under a tree, in the backyard, I like everything Forrest Gump was about. There are rules about how we handle dead people, and there are reasons for those rules. Those reasons are the estimated 100 million people who died during the Black Death. We don’t just put our dead people wherever we want Forrest, we put them in cemeteries.

#38 MAINE — Not only is it the only state that is a one syllable word but history tells us that the Vikings made it as far as Nova Scotia. That is like 500 miles from Portland. As a matter of fact archeologists have found Viking coins at Native American ruins inside of Maine.

#37 NEW MEXICO — This is really the only “new” state that we have that is way better than the “old” version it was named after.

#36 KENTUCKY — Now, sure, UCLA has more National Titles, but they won like ten in ten years, and have only won one since then, so who gives a crap about UCLA? The University of Kentucky is straight up awesome at basketball. They won the National Title in 1948, 1949, 1951, 1958, 1978, 1996 and 1998, with four different coaches. Kentucky is the holder of the most all-time victories in the history of college basketball, both in all-time wins and all-time winning percentage, with an all-time record of 2002 wins and only 635 losses. Kentucky also leads the NCAA in tournament appearances. They also have the all time point differential for a tournament with +129 in 1996. The entire state of Kentucky is so good at basketball that the University of Louisville also has two National Titles. Kentucky is College
Basketball.

#35 NORTH DAKOTA — They are always there. Watching, waiting and protecting us from Canada.

#34 SOUTH DAKOTA — They might be the bottom in the Dakota relationship, but when you factor in that God predestined our country’s greatness by making a mountain that looks just like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, you simply have to rank them higher.

#33 ARKANSAS — This is really the only state with another state’s name inside its name. How pissed off was Kansas when it found out about Arkansas?

Kansas: “Oh look at me. I wanna be a state, but I can’t even think of my own name.”

Nebraska: “Dude, let go already.”

Kansas: “No, fuck that. That is some bullshit, right there.”

Oklahoma: “Alright, man, we get it. Seriously, just be cool about it, here he comes.”

Arkansas: “Hey guys, s’up with you guys?”

Nebraska and Oklahoma: “Hey Arkansas.”

Kansas: “I hate all of you.”

#32 NEBRASKA — They developed the first 9-1-1 system. Not to be confused with plotting the 9/11 attacks… that was a different state… not to name names (Colorado) but you know who you are… and I still know what you did.

#31 FLORIDA — 31st nationally in education spending.

#30 MONTANA — Wide open spaces. And cool city names like Wolf Point.

#29 NEVADA — A purposeful choice to keep Carson City as its capitol, just to spite Las Vegas and Reno.

#28 TENNESSEE — The University of Tennessee has the original body farm. That means, they bury people under trees. Cool. Oh, and Jack Daniel’s.

#27 INDIANA — Indiana has a constitutional ban on assuming debt.

#26 MISSISSIPPI — The Mississippi river is the largest river in the US and it belongs to the State of Mississippi. They own it because they named it and once you name something you own its soul.

#25 NEW HAMPSHIRE — Birthplace of Daniel Webster, who, according to The Devil and Daniel Webster, beat the Devil in a court of law over a man’s soul. It’s impressive when you can outmaneuver The Prince of Lies and The Great Deceiver. Then again he had practice; he was a lawyer.

#24 VIRGINIA — The birthplace of rebels and trend setters, plain and simple. They helped ensure we went to war with England and then they helped kill Lincoln. “Sic Semper Tyrannis” is some Dead Poets Society shit right there.

#23 ILLINOIS — Jordan!!!

#22 ARIZONA — All right, the Grand Canyon is totally bad ass plus they also have Spring Training for the following Major League Teams: Dodgers, White Sox, Indians, Cubs, Brewers, Mariners, Padres, Giants, A’s, Royals, Rangers, Angels, Reds and Rockies. The Diamondbacks also conduct Spring Training there but they are from Arizona so you can’t really count them.

#21 IOWA — John Wayne and supernatural baseball.

#20 VERMONT — All the small town charm, without any of the “I am so important because I signal the start of the Presidential Primaries” that is found in its neighbor to the east. It was also the first “not
part of the 13 colonies” state.

#19 GEORGIA — Blackbeard (yeah THAT Blackbeard) has an island in Georgia named after him… nice. Think there will ever be a Somali Island? Maybe we can erect a refugee camp for captured Somali pirates on Blackbeard Island. That way they could be closer to Hotlanta — which is where the playas play yo.

#18 KANSAS — Sure, Kansas is tiresome, but it is also reliable, like your mom. There is just something about that relationship that makes me really think it is important.

#17 MISSOURI — It’s the “Show Me State.” The other two options they had for state motto were, “Whip it Out State” and “Fuck You, We’re Missouri.” It was closer than you think.

#16 WYOMING — Wide open spaces. And cool city names like Star Valley Ranch.

#15 NEW YORK — I would like to put New York higher on the list of things I would gladly defend, but that would just be stupid. Whether it’s Aliens with technology way beyond our ability to counter or
unstoppable weather phenomena, New York is always left in ruins. I mean, I like New York, but dude, it is always the first to go. When Godzilla finally attacked America he skipped the west coast and went
straight for New York. That doesn’t even make sense. The logical choice would’ve been San Francisco or LA. If he had to swim around the tip of South America and come up from the south he could have hit DC. If he came through the Arctic he could have hit Boston on his way down. But no. Straight for New York. It’s a lost cause.

#14 WISCONSIN — “Come on, it’s Wisconsin. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again… it’s like going into Czechoslovakia.”

#13 MASSACHUSETTS — Salem Witch Trials, Basketball Hall of Fame, Sam Adams and Dropkick Murphys. All that is clearly enough to overlook that stupid accent.

#12 OHIO — With both Neil Armstrong and John Glenn, Ohio has space covered. Cedar Point is the home of 17 roller coasters (more than any other park in the world). It has three of the top 10 steel roller coasters in the world. The best part is that the website actually states “May not accommodate Guests of Exceptional Size.” That’s right fatty, don’t come to Ohio.

#11 CALIFORNIA — The list of things that can kill you in California are like the lyrics to End of the World as We Know It by REM. Even with all of that it is still a really cool place to live.

#10 TEXAS — Six different flags have flown over the state of Texas. For a while it was even its own country. It acts tough, but if it was really that tough it would have taken Mexico on its own. All that being said, I am glad Texas is a part of America, because if it wasn’t I would have to listen to people from California or Montana talk about how big their states are. Texas forces them to shut up about all that size crap.

#9 PENNSYLVANIA — It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the funniest show on television. “Day Man… Fighter of the Night Man… Champion of the sun… You’re a master of Karate and friendship for everyone.” Plus my cousin opened a pizza joint in Philly called SliCE. Kick ass.

#8 MINNESOTA — Minneapolis and St. Paul are so cool that they have in fact swallowed up sections of Wisconsin, and nobody in Wisconsin called the cops or anything. Plus, any group of people cool enough to live in areas that cold deserve our love. Our love will help keep them warm. They need our love.

#7 IDAHO — French Fries, Hash Browns, Curly Fries, Potato Chips or Baked, the potato is one of the most versatile foods known to all mankind.

#6 NEW JERSEY — Jersey’s kind of like hooking up with a really hot chick that has major “daddy issues.” It looks good — shores, boardwalks, nature. Has lots of attitude — Springsteen, Sopranos, Jay and Silent Bob. Underneath there is a level of shame and brokenness that is really easy to exploit — New York Jets, New York Giants, Trenton. If you can get Jersey to go to the prom with you, you know you are going to get lucky. You know it.

#5 LOUISIANA — This state is crazy. They don’t conform. They have French names, but pronounce them in very non-French ways. They basically created Jazz music. Every other state has counties, but Louisiana has parishes. It is basically just a swamp, with a really cool city go drink in. I have been to New Orleans. At 2 o’clock in the afternoon I walked past a bar that was playing really graphic gay porn on the big screen TV, at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Did I mention it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon? I wanted to put Louisiana lower on the list, but Voodoo curses scare me, and they love the shit out of Voodoo down there.

#4 DELAWARE — Despite its tiny size, Delaware doesn’t give into the pressure to overcompensate. It was the First State, at least that is what its quarter said when it came out a few years ago, so it’s got that going for it. Which is nice. Its license plates, much like the Notre Dame Football uniforms, are awe-inspiring. They are basic, traditional throwbacks. “You stay classy, Delaware.”

#3 ALASKA — Grizzlies have been known to prey on moose, deer, sheep, elk, bison, caribou and even black bears; they eat other bears. That is so bad ass! Male Grizzly bears can weigh anywhere from 500-900 lbs and reach nearly 8 feet tall (on its hind legs). 100 Grizzly bears could kill everyone in the state of Delaware inside of a week. Respect the Grizzly Bear. Respect Alaska.

#2 UTAH — Forbes magazine recently ran an article where Gallup Polls and some thing called Healthways ranked all 50. The results were based on a year-long, random-dial telephone survey of 355,000 Americans. Utah came out on top, ranking first in categories like “Well-Being Index,” “Life Evaluation” and “Work Quality.” It ranked in the top 10 for both “Physical Health” and “Emotional Health” and was at a very respectable 13 for “Healthy Behavior.” In January of 2009 it had an unemployment rate of 4.6% compared with a national rate of 7.6%. When the winter Olympics were there in 2002, it looked like it might be a cool place to snowboard.

#1 WASHINGTON — The following is a short list of things from Washington: Bing Crosby, Cliff from Cheers, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, the game Pictionary, Quincy Jones, Chuck Jones (the guy who brought us Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote, etc.), Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, Death Cab for Cutie, Bob Barker (The Price is Right, Bitch!), Starbucks, Ted Bundy, Steve Miller, Jim Caviezel (the guy who played Jesus in the ultimate Jesus movie), Band of Horses, John Elway, Bill Gates, Gary Larson (The Far Side), Bill Nye the Science Guy, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Amazon.com and Adam West. It is where Bruce Lee is buried. It is the only state named after aPresident, and it has a live-ass, mother-fucking volcano. So suck on that Utah.

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