In my inaugural post here at WFTC, I openly begged for a “God Helmet” this Christmas. Today, I present some gift ideas for your holiday shopping list.

It’s no ordinary list, though, because these are not ordinary times. These are times that try men’s souls, as Thomas Paine once said. To bastardize Paine’s eloquence:

[Christmas], like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Shop ‘til you drop, fellow travelers of the apocalypse. It’s X-Mas 2009. Here is your deep-fried dystopian gift guide.

Bed, Bath and Beyond

• The remarkable tauntaun sleeping bag speaks for itself. Use it in tandem with a lucid dream kit or transcranial magnetic stimulator. The mind machine might be worth pursuing too.

• No foreskin? No problem! Sen-Slip‘s got you covered, pun intended. It’s the artificial, retractable foreskin for circumcised men. Put it on in the morning and take it off at night. “Just like a shirt.”

• The pocket urinal is a godsend. For the fairer sex, there’s the Ladybag.

Casual Wear

• Newsflash: the fashion police will never be able to stymie the Soviets. (Proof positive: the Russian Seaman Singlet.)

• Skirted swimmers can get wet-but-not-wild via Wholesome Wear.

• For the paramilitary sociopath, there’s the Tactical Series G1 Night Vision Binocular Goggles,Viper Grenade Pouches or Sniper Ghillie Suit.

• Flatulence-filtering underwear and truther beanie caps are other apparel options.

Cuisine, Edible Items & Dining

• Some toast ephemera: Toast Bandages, Toast Wallets and Inflatable Toast.

• What kind of sicko wouldn’t love caffeinated beef jerky? Along similar lines, there’s energized sunflower seeds, which have the endorsement of baseball Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn. They’re infused with caffeine, taurine, lysine, and ginseng.

• Mr. McCooker looks like a solid contraption, provided you can get beyond the countenance of its terrifying product mascot.

• A gift certificate to some adventurous eateries shows you care. Anyone down for some Magic Loaves or Esoteric FroYo?

• For your pen pal in the hoosegow: the Prison Cookbook.

• Global warming denialists can’t deny the burst of flavor in each Climate Change Chocolate Bar.

Forteana

• You can’t go wrong with the Abduction Lamp. Light sources are practical gifts, and the Abduction Lamp has light-emitting diodes, a “removable bovine abductee,” and a durable steel body.

• Hook your life partner up with an alien thought-screen helmet. (You can make your own if you’re willing to buy Velostat by the yard.)

• Important: don’t overlook the gift of indemnity. It comes in no greater form than alien abduction insurance.

Literature

• Stuff those stockings with some light reading. “The Science of Sex Regeneration” is a good appetizer, “the Brutal Art of Ripping, Poking and Pressing Vital Targets” is a nice main course, and “How to Live With a Bitch“ sits high atop the dessert tray.

Odds & Ends

• If gift finding becomes too burdensome, you can always donate to a good cause on someone’s behalf. Help dolphins become a sovereign people at Cetacean Nation.

• Badger fat is the Cadillac of Russian home remedies.

• In today’s hyper-partisan political scene, neither the left nor the right has much tolerance for ambiguity. Thus, the addition of an angry mob to your shrill partisan’s toy collection carries serious symbolic weight. (Via Radley Balko at Hit and Run.)

• The gift of unrelenting brutality is always practical. What if your spousal equivalent absolutely, positively needs to kill someone tomorrow? What then, smart guy? You’ll be glad you consulted this list, I assure you.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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