The only way to be sure a vampire is no longer a danger
“A man who claims to be the leader of a group of vampires has pleaded guilty to charges that he threatened to torture and kill an Indianapolis judge and his family.” The vampire in question is Jonathon Sharkey, a “self-proclaimed Satanist and professional boxer as well as wrestler (under the name Rocky ‘Hurricane’ Flash) and perennial candidate for public office.” He founded the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party, is fond of calling for impaling people for various crimes (and you thought PWSBKTW was extreme?), and is the subject of a documentary film. He was just sentenced to two years in jail. But how’s a jail cell gonna hold a vampire? Can’t he hypnotize the guards and escape? Can’t he sparkle or whatever it is vampires do these days and charm his way out? Okay, maybe the sparkling won’t work, since he looks like this:
And not this:
Or this:
Maybe he isn’t young and cute enough to sparkle his way out of jail, but can’t Sharkey just turn into a bat and squeeze through the bars? Maybe this last tactic is too dangerous, since bats are liable to be killed if they end up in the wrong place. Such as a hockey rink.
On Tuesday night, an unlucky critter was “dispatched” after the coach sent “three of his players to go after the bat with sticks in hand” when it wandered into the arena during a game. PETA has said “the team should have tried to net the animal and release it.” Coach Jon Cooper is calling the incident and ensuing uproar “Batgate” (everything is a gate these days) and defended his actions on the grounds that the bat might have had rabies and was a danger to the people there. But is such an excuse necessary? Couldn’t the coach simply have noted that this is hockey, after all, and his team plays tough defense? Also, I hear that the bat was high-sticking in the first half, so had it coming. I could have used those players a few years ago when a bat flew into my bedroom. It never occurred to me to use a hockey stick. Not that I would, PETA. No need to protest me.
But maybe turning into a bat would be a good move for vampire Sharkey in any case. He’d have PETA protesting his treatment if he remained in jail, since wild animals don’t belong behind bars. And hooking up with PETA could be a good way to meet naked women (and, it seems, men as well). And as Sharkey only threatened to “beat, torture, impale, dismember and decapitate Judge David Certo,” and it can be easily proved that Certo is a human being and not possibly also an animal, PETA should have no problem providing a legal defense.
Even though Sharkey is also a Satanist, PETA might be pleased to know that “most Satanists in America today, including most theistic Satanists, do not practice animal sacrifice.” However, PETA might be dismayed to learn that some Satanists do kill animals, and that some believe that “if you do practice animal sacrifice, you should do so in a deliberately cruel manner, to maximize the animal’s ‘death throes.’” It’s a real dilemma. On one hand, Sharkey could turn himself into a cuddly bat who needs protection. On the other hand, he might be aligned with those who are deliberately cruel to animals.
Maybe Sharkey should spare PETA this game of scruples and not turn into a bat at all in order to escape from jail. He did plead guilty to threatening the judge, so seems to have accepted his two-year sentence. I don’t know that a more severe punishment is warranted for his crime, though perhaps Sharkey might — he did promise, admirably, to personally impale racists, KKK members, and terrorists on various lawns in front of various public buildings, and has at other times threatened to impale a wider range of people, including President Bush, rapists, child molesters, killers, and dealers. He does call himself “The Impaler.”
Just in case he has a little sparkle left and could charm his way out of prison, or the bat trick works and he can escape through the prison bars or get PETA to free him, Judge Certo and his family could be at risk. In the documentary trailer, Sharkey points out that he can’t be stopped or killed. Because he’s a vampire. As we all know, there is only one way to be sure a vampire is no longer a danger. A stake through the heart. I am not saying that being impaled is an appropriate punishment for Sharkey’s terroristic threats. But maybe Sharkey would.
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So, what about the idea that you can write about People [You Think] Who Should Be Killed This Week on a weekly basis and never end up in an orange jumpsuit? A woman here at the University of MN just got reinstated as a student after winning a case that her professor-threatening Facebook posts were only “venting.” ( http://chronicle.com/blogPost/U-of-Minnesota-Treats/9237/) Is it WHO you threaten or WHERE you threaten or HOW detailed you get? Good for judges, not so great for you, Prof.
There might be potential for gray areas, but I don’t think we’re in one with my PWSBKTW column or the subject of this post.
Sharkey threatened to kill a judge presiding over a case he was involved in. That’s always been frowned upon and ought to be.
If a student of mine threatened to kill me, it should be taken seriously, because the student actually knows me, has contact with me, could have a motive or a goal of changing my behavior (giving a certain grade) with a threat. If it’s venting, then it’s venting, but I think it’s reasonable to take a look at the threat as a threat to make that determination.
Given the history of violence at schools and colleges, it is not surprising that people take it seriously when it is learned that a student has a hit list or has made a threat of violence against a teacher or fellow students.
We can hope that taking it seriously doesn’t lead to many cases of overreaction or frivilous charges filed, and that when this does happen, the errors are corrected. Still, students should know by now — or should be told — that Facebook isn’t as private as they think it is, and threatening people you know isn’t smart.
The post you link to doesn’t offer much detail, so I don’t know whether the student in the case you mention was making a threat or venting. But we should make it clear that people can’t go around saying they’re going to stab somebody who they encounter at work or school. When they do say that, we should take it seriously until we have a reason not to.
Anyway, my PWSBKTW column is clearly a different sort of thing, since I write about people who have been convicted or charged with heinous crimes — I am not writing about people I know or have personal contact with and I am doing what we as a society already do with regard to murderers and violent criminals — discussing what might be an appropriate punishment for certain kinds of behavior. And I am on the record discussing my column in detail, so there is plenty of evidence of my intent and no reasonable person would conclude that I intend to find the people I write about and kill them.
Yeah, sorry, couldn’t find more details about that case either. I’m not exactly sure what she said, but it was enough to get her kicked off campus for a while.
Of course, I agree that PWSBKTW should forever be allowed to revenge-fantasize, but you know, if you’re a self-described vampire it’s kind of your job to threaten to impale people, the more Norwegian death-metallically the better. I mean, how good a Satanist can you be if people aren’t shocked and repelled by what creeps out of your dank mind? His crime seems to be getting too specific with the wrong guy. And, not being at all cute.