Barack Obama,

First of all, congratulations! You’re the president. I hope someone congratulates you about that every day.

Next, I’ve noticed that lately a lot of people are saying some pretty heavy things about your first year — stuff about how you haven’t accomplished much, something about dithering, etc. You’re probably thinking, “What have they ever done?” Also, “Give me a break, guys!” I know, right?

Listen, I’m not here to talk about issues and facts. One reason is because I am unaware of them. Another reason is because you’re probably pretty tired of hearing about them. A third reason is because I am also tired of hearing about them. A fourth reason is because I’m here to give you some advice.

Listen, I get it. You have all these things you want to do and it’s so hard to do them sometimes! What does it even mean to be president these days? It doesn’t seem like it means a whole lot. Except that you’re the guy who gets yelled at when things that have casually been mentioned in speeches and campaigns never actually get done. This happens to me a lot.

Not in speeches and campaigns, I don’t do those, but constantly in normal life. I’m always like, “Yeah, sure, I’ll do that.” And I almost never do it! Totally unreliable. And a lot of the time when you say things like, “Yeah, sure, I’ll do that,” people take it to mean that you’re actually going to do whatever you’re saying. Even when it’s stuff that you obviously would never want to do!

Barack, you’re trying, I know; I already told you that I got it. The trouble is, people didn’t elect you, the human Barack Obama who tries. They elected You, the Magical Barack Obama, who fixes all the problems basically as soon as he gets in office. And this is no one’s fault, really, except that it is your fault and also it is everyone else’s fault.

Either you made yourself seem magical or everyone else just decided that you were magical, but then you and everyone else thought you were all so magical. No one is magical!

Barack, you remind me of myself in so many ways. Good looking, intelligent, likes to party. Cut from the same incredibly high thread count cloth. I really feel like I understand your situation here. You have all this power (in my case, I have all this celebrity power and the power of words) and all these ideas (I have great ideas), but you don’t want to be too forceful with them, because people will say you are Hitler. At the same time you don’t want to be too weak, because then people will say, Why did we elect him? (Same for me in both cases.)

It seems that we have both fallen somewhere close to the second extreme. This is why I do not yet have a popular late night show and also why people are telling you you’re dithering, whatever that even means.

I’ve thought about this a lot and I think I’ve come to a good conclusion. ”F” it. Let’s just be Hitlers.

I’ll be a Hitler of comedy and general adorableness, you be a Hitler of government*. Hitler got tons of stuff done. No one was ever like, “That Hitler guy, he made a bunch of great campaign promises, but where’s the action?” No one was ever like that! Because there was a lot of action. By all accounts too much action.

So, you know, “just do it.” Heathcare for everyone, gay marriage for everyone, anyone can ask and everyone can tell, etc. Honestly, please just do it.

Your best friend,

Kelly

*A regular Hitler.

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