It’s Thanksgiving again (so true).

Webster’s Dictionary defines Thanksgiving as “a time for giving thanks” (probably), but for many, Thanksgiving is “a time for doing stuff that you don’t really want to do.” Driving places, doing dishes, cornucopias, football, leaves, pumpkins – all very much “the worst.”

But one of the good things about Thanksgiving is getting to hear lots of different and colorful political opinions around the Thanksgiving table. It’s a well-known fact that everyone loves having a political opinion and it’s also a well-known fact that everyone loves talking. The only trouble with these things is that sometimes everyone gets mad when you combine them.

Luckily for you, if anyone knows how to express their political opinions in a highly educated yet modest and thoughtful way, it is me. And, because it is Thanksgiving, I am here, giving you help in return for your many thanks and job offers.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Kelly, this topic is hackneyed and so far from the delightful originality we’re used to seeing from you. Have you run out of ideas? Is this why you’ve stopped posting regularly?”

Yes!

I’ve been involved in political arguments at almost every Thanksgiving I’ve ever attended. I’ve learned a lot from these experiences; namely I’ve learned how much I know and how stupid everyone in my family is. But another thing I’ve learned, at my advanced age, is that some things just aren’t worth fighting about. Who has the energy?

With this in mind, I’m bringing to you what I’ve found to be the most successful argument-deterring conversational segues. Use them in good health and have a great Thanksgiving! I guess! Or don’t. Either way!

“Oh what a thing you’ve said, can you pass the mashed potatoes?”

This works well due to the cloudy neutrality of the opening remark. You are neither praising nor condemning this person for what they have said, merely acknowledging that they have said something with a kind of exclamation that can really go either way. The quick change of topic to mashed potatoes will distract them from deciding whether you were praising or condemning them and will work especially well if you need mashed potatoes.

“I haven’t heard of that. Will you not talk about it around me?”

You may have to swallow your pride a little for this one here, if you have heard of what this person is talking about.

“That’s very odd, I believe I just went deaf for a moment. Can you pass the cranberry sauce?”

This one is pretty much foolproof. The only way you can screw this one up is if you’re already deaf. In that case, replace deaf with blind. Or just look away, I mean, come on. And again, works well if you really need cranberry sauce.

“I think I dropped my fork, will you pass me a new one?”

The human desire to feel needed often trumps the human desire to talk about how Barack Obama is a socialist. This fact is in your corner here. You can also use looking for the fork as a distraction later with, ”I really just cannot find that darn fork!” You’ll, of course, have to hide the fork.

“Look at this!”

Follow quickly with, “Oh shoot, where’d it go?”

“That’s a great sweater.”

This will work best if the person is wearing a “classic” sweater, but really, it’s almost 2010. Anything is a sweater.

“You’ve always had opinions!”

With this one, it will seem like you’re saying something specific about your relative, but you won’t be. You can say that about anyone.

Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears almost never.

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