It’s that time of year again, when college instructors not rendered comatose from summer-semester-teaching-despair begin to finalize their syllabi and plan their fall lessons. Much like religious leaders on any retreat, or shall we say “pilgrimage,” it is essential that the non-feathered creature in charge start things off with a bang. With that in mind, we give you the top ten ways to begin any fall class:

1. State, “We’re all gonna die,” and then ask a ball cap in the back row for his take on the data.
2. Find the largest male in the room, the one who could play offensive tackle on the football team, and extend your thumb and pinky finger as you raise your hand to your ear for the “call me” sign. Puckered lips and blowing a kiss are recommended if this is same-sex communication.
3. Shout, “Over half will fail,” and then begin writing in very tiny illegible text in the corner of the blackboard furthest from humanity.
4. Approach the sexiest young women in the room, the one wearing too much makeup and revealing too much cleavage, and tell her she is trying too hard. Add a “sista” if you are a male over sixty or under twenty-five. If this is same-sex communication, then a variant would be to take her hand and gently extend it until it is high enough that you can inscribe your ten digits on her palm.
5. Tell the students your real wages after all taxes, clarify your health-coverage status, show them your yellow teeth, unfilled cavities, and required bridge work and then state that everyone in the room should be grateful to pay full list price for any textbook required on a college syllabus because we live in the wealthiest country in the history of the world. Proceed to point out that paying tuition and fees without buying textbooks is more or less like buying a cake but not the icing. A variant is to then note that a major publisher has sponsored your speech acts.
6. Acknowledge the national debt for what it is and scream at the top of your lungs: “We live in the poorest [bleepin’] country in the history of the world! If the bondholders bring back debtor’s prison, we’re ostrich-[bleep]. All they taught you K through 12 is [bleep]! We’re all gonna die!”
7. Thumb high in nostril, pant cuff off the ankle, walk down the aisles handing each student a syllabus; avoid any appearance of inappropriate contact with student headphones or ears.
8. Announce to the class that your aim is to guide and protect, and then, as CNN recommends, don a mask with an airtight seal.
9. Nab the Blackberry from the nearest undergrad majoring in tweeting, search the web for the most relevant professor-ratings website, and read the students each entry about yourself.
10. Mutter, “Nietzsche, Rilke, Echinacea, etcetera,” rest your head on the desk, and promote a healthy sleeping environment.

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