Two week wrap-up, I have a broken wrist
So, let’s get this out of the way right now: I haven’t written this in a while. I broke my wrist two weeks ago and words can’t express how sorry you feel. It’s ok, don’t worry about it. Luckily for you, only the dumbest things in the world have been happening in the last two weeks. Who even cares about this stuff?
Beer Summit
More like I’ve-had-it-up-to-here summit, with all the coverage. Let me just say, if I had to have a beer with every racist I’ve called stupid in front of a billion people, I’d be drunk all the time. And I am.
Cash for Clunkers
Too bad no one will give us cash for this clunker of a government!
Healthcare Kills Old People
Old people are the meanest kind of people. Can we all just stop pretending that this isn’t what we want anyway?
Shark Week
Honestly, and I’m being real here, there is literally nothing I care less about than “Shark Week.” Here’s a list of five things that rhyme with Shark Week that I would care more about than Shark Week:
1. Park Week (Cars)
2. Bark Week (Trees)
3. Marc Week (Marc Summers)
4. Dark Greek (?????)
5. Clark Week (Dick Clark)
Obama Was Born In Kenya
All black people were born in Kenya. That’s why they’re black. And that’s why we don’t let them become president. When will we learn?
Paula Abdul Leaves American Idol
Onward and upward.
Bill Clinton Saves Journalist Ladies
Now, I realize it may seem insensitive to say I don’t really care about this. But come on. First of all, they only sent Bill because they thought it was funny. And I will not take that bait. Second of all, those ladies are going to be way respected forever*. In my life, I don’t think I will ever achieve that level of respect, even though it is what I deserve. So unless or until I do, I have to put these women on my don’t care list.
New Strain of HIV or Something
I don’t even know anything about this one. I just saw it written somewhere.
Really, none of this news compares with the news of my broken wrist. That’s really what I’m getting at here. So you can send your donations to my pay-pal and e-mail me with any job offers in the NYC area. Thanks!
*Or until people forget.
Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears “every” Thursday.
Tweet
Print This Post
You’re loyal fans have missed you. This was worth the wait.
Another excellent column. Using “excellent” in a heretofore undiscovered way, of course.