Sonia Sotomayor, enemy of whites, had her hearings in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee this week. Let me be the first to say: Jeeze! Sonia Sotomayor is literally the Matchbox 20 of Supreme Court nominees, meaning that everybody either loves her or hates her. The Democrats couldn’t stop telling her how pretty she was and the Republicans couldn’t stop telling her how much she loved abortions. And all she could talk about were laws and court cases. Ugh. 

She has gotten a lot of heat in the last few days over her “wise Latina” comment, which exposed her hatred of white males and her love of lawlessness. In times like these, we must believe that this so-called “rhetorical flourish” may be our one gateway into Sonia’s true thought process. It has already been established that she has feelings and past experiences and is a woman, all tainting her ability to judge whatever it is she’s going to have to judge. So you can just imagine all of the thoughts she thinks and hasn’t allowed herself to vocalize and what truths those could hold.

Remember yesterday when Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn told her she had “a lot of ’splainin’ to do?” Like Ricky Ricardo? Because she’s Puerto Rican? And a crazy woman, like Lucy? Two for one reference? Get it? Anyway, when most people thought of that they probably would have said to themselves, “No, that is something I should not say.” Also maybe, “Thank God I only thought that and did not say it.” We can only assume that Sonia Sotomayor is one of these people and has thought many things that would, if known to the public, keep her from being confirmed.    

In fairness, I have constructed a few of the things I suspect that she has thought. Whether or not the committee decides these are lawful representations, we’ll have to see:

• “The law is not really something I can see myself strictly adhering to.” 
• “Mostly I just care about dancing and being Latina and not so much about being on the Supreme Court.” 
• “Normally, I judge white people a little harsher than other colors. Just ’cause.” 
• “Laws… You know, I just don’t get them.”
• “Once a month, I’m going to be the bitchiest Supreme Court judge ever. Watch out, laws! And men! And white people!” 
• “Everyone should have an abortion, at least once.” 
• “I pride myself most on my womanly aggression.” 
• “Since we have led different lives, we will interpret some events in slightly different ways. If we didn’t, we would only need one person on the Supreme Court. And that person would be a laws robot, ai-yi-yi!“

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