A number* of you have been writing in asking me to explain what exactly the G-8 is and what all the commotion is about them this week. At first I was excited to answer the question, wrongly under the impression that you had all asked about the vegetable drink V8. “Oh, I know this,” I thought. “V8 is a vegetable drink made from (presumably) 8 vegetables. They also have drinks that don’t taste like vegetables for which I have seen many commercials. I would like to try one of these drinks because I don’t think I eat enough vegetables due to their not-so-good taste. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, though. As for the commotion about them this week, I must say I am unaware. Thank you for your question,” was going to be my reply. When I noticed my mistake, I decided it would be best to scrap that reply.

Here’s a new one:

Dear Irate with G-8,

I’ve taken the liberty of giving you the catchy name “Irate with G-8.” I realize you may not yet be willing to call yourself “irate” with G-8 since, judging from your question, you are unsure of what it is. But it is the best name I could come up with. 

As for what G-8 is, I can only give an educated guess. I think it’s like Friends, sort of, except with 8 people and they’re all leaders of countries. So I guess it’s more like the new Real World. Or, for the sports fans, it’s like when they get all the best basketball players on one team and call it a “dream team.” Anyway, every so often the G-8 meet together, probably in a cave (?), and talk about all of the things they need to fix in their countries/the world. And how! 

This time they’re talking about how to reduce emissions and hopefully how to reduce celebrity deaths. Maybe the first one even goes with the second one, who knows. But yesterday they talked about the first one and agreed that the increase in global warming, measured since 1900, will not exceed 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit before 2020 or something blah blah.

First of all, I don’t even want to think about the year 2020. I will be, by my calculations, 59 years old then. Probably in a retirement home on the Moon. And it will probably be on the Moon because the Earth has melted. And the Earth will probably have melted because after they decided on the 3.6 target they were like, “all right, I’m bored” and left the meeting room to go get some coffee at Central Perk. Gunther was there and he was like, “aren’t you guys supposed to be figuring some stuff out?” And then G-8 was like, “Gunther, you’re so weird,” and then Gunther was like, “Rachel, I love you.” But he said it under his breath so no one really heard except for Obama because he has the biggest ears. Burn!

You know I love you, Obama.  

So I hope that answers your questions, Irate. It’s always nice to hear from fans. I urge you to continue in your admirable quest for knowledge. And you know what they say: on the train of knowledge, there are many stops. 

Sincerely, 
Kelly Conaboy of Kelly Conaboy Saves the World

 
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Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears every Thursday. 

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