It has been a tragic week for the families, friends, and fans of many popular American icons. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and Karl Malden have each been taken from us long before their* times and I can’t be the only one wondering why. Their deaths are senseless and the toll they have taken is massive and widespread. The question needs to be asked: How many more celebrities have to die before the implementation of universal health care? 

Now — full disclosure here — I don’t know a whole lot about universal health care. What am I, a doctor? But one thing I do know is that it has to be universal. That must mean that a whole lot of things have to be covered for a whole lot of different people, including famous celebrities. 

Now — full disclosure again — I don’t know a whole lot about famous celebrities. What am I, Joan Rivers? But I do know a little about them. So for the benefit of the people trying to pass a universal healthcare bill and all of the other celebrities on the brink of death, I’ve outlined a few ways these celebrities could have been helped by it. 

Ed McMahon 
Let’s start with Ed McMahon. As the voice of the Tonight Show, Ed McMahon put a lot of stress on his vocal chords. And as the host of Star Search, he came in contact with a lot of people. I can only believe that these two things came together to be the sole contributor to his death. Had he been insured under universal health care, maybe he wouldn’t have died. 

Farrah Fawcett
Farrah Fawcett was very pretty. I can only believe that this led directly to her death. Had she had universal health care, the treatment for being too pretty — a treatment from which many, including myself, could benefit — would have been completely within reach.

Michael Jackson
At his time of death, Michael Jackson appeared to be the picture of health. If you had asked anyone if they thought anything could have been wrong with him they would have said, “No, I don’t think so, he seems perfectly healthy.” Because of this, Michael didn’t seek the attention of any doctors. Perhaps if he had known his visits would be covered he would have sought out their advice and found the single-celled parasite in his lymphatic system that eventually led to his death from Hodgkin’s disease.

Billy Mays
For years, Billy Mays’ family had been urging him to get a medical opinion on the blackness of his beard. “It’s just a beard,” he’d reply, “I like how black it is. Plus, we don’t have the money to see a doctor right now.” It is yet to be known whether or not his death was a direct result of his beard. But if he had been able to see a beard specialist under the universal health care plan, maybe Heaven would have one less pitchangel.

Karl Malden
I can only believe that Karl Malden died of “cute nose” disease. This is because I don’t know who Karl Malden is. I have seen a picture of him, though, and his nose was awful cute. Much like Farrah Fawcett, Karl Malden’s problem with extreme cuteness could’ve been prevented, had he been covered by universal health care.

So there it is, people against universal heath care. Just try and make a case against it now. 

*Not Karl Malden.

Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears every Thursday. 

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: health & medical, Kelly Conaboy saves the world // 1 Comment »