Top ten features of the prison Bernie Madoff is being sentenced to today

Top ten features of the prison Bernie Madoff is being sentenced to today

Posted on June 29th, 2009 by Bob Sullivan

10. Every night: free back rubs.

9. The prison laundry offers one-hour Martinizing.

8. His inmate number will be unlisted.

7. Every Saturday night, there’s a mixer with the nearby women’s prison.

6. The prison cafeteria features an open bar.

5. His cell features open bars.

4. Every inmate gets a choice of three premium channels.

3. His conjugal visits include a Jacuzzi.

2. Every summer, he’s allowed to stay at his beach cell in Avalon.

1. If things get too rough, Bernie and his buddies have a daring plan to go “over the hedge!”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.