Gay marriage, not ok-marriage
It’s getting harder and harder to be against gay marriage these days, isn’t it? More states are falling to acceptance each month — first Massachusetts, now Connecticut and Iowa, soon Vermont, Maine, possibly New York (thanks, wikipedia) — and those who oppose it seem only to be objects of ridicule. It seems the old stand-bys (sanctity of marriage, God stuff, inherent icky-ness) just aren’t drawing in the troops like they used to. It’s time to rethink the strategy, come up with a few new talking points. Because, really… gay marriage?
Symmetry: Peanut butter and jelly, the Vitruvian Man, pictures you hung up using a ruler. Everyone likes symmetry.
Equal Rights: We don’t get to marry people of the same sex, so why should they?
Bridesmaids, Groomsmen: What, will the brides have groomsmen and the grooms have bridesmaids? Give me a break!
Bride Wars: Everyone hates a bride. Two brides?
Two Grooms: No one would care.
Bachelor, Bachelorette Parties: God didn’t create strippers so people of the same sex could hire them.
Slippery Slope: What’s next, people can marry themselves? They can marry shoes and coats and televisions? And receive the same, heterosexual human benefits? Come on!
Rainbow Color Schemes: Ugly and inescapable.
Too Tempting: Once it’s legal, what’s to stop everybody from doing it?
Parades: It’ll be hard to get around town with big gay parades going on every time two people get married.
Sign of Weakness: We let women vote, we let whichever race date whichever other race they want. Doesn’t America seem gay enough already?
And so on. Once these ideas start getting thrown around, you won’t be able to keep people off the anti-gay-marriage boat. We’ll all be able to sleep easier, knowing that our definition of marriage needn’t be adjusted, while the gays will have to lie together in the sinful beds they’ve created. Those sinfully delicious, horribly alluring beds.
Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears every Thursday.
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Thanks for posting this Kelly! It’s been a while since I’ve read something so funny- I almost fell out my chair laughing!!! Your clever and witty insights into the scandelous and dark topic of gay marriage are certain to encourage more citizens to get out of the closet and onto that anti-gay-marriage boat. Sad to say, I won’t be able to join you because I’ve got to rush home to my girlfriend and give her a quickie before we pack our bags for Iowa. Woot!
I hope your sarcasm is just more obscured than mine…
Oh never mind that post before, I was totally kidding. I am not stupid enough to misunderstand the whole concept of your posts.
No one is that stupid.
Sadly, there are people that stupid. But it is fun to secretly laugh at them.