Top ten signs you have a bad commencement speaker
Posted on May 18th, 2009 by Bob Sullivan
10. He’s wearing a disabled electronic ankle bracelet
9. The title of his talk: “Your Future at Hamburger U.”
8. His entire speech is in the dits and dahs of Morse Code
7. His speech is half over, and he’s already mentioned Scientology 63 times
6. First name: Rod. Last name: Blagojevich.
5. After introducing his imaginary friend Pedro, he sits by while Pedro delivers a 90-minute address
4. You recognize him from when he sold you a Slurpee last night at your local 7-Eleven
3. He keeps referring to Barack Obama as the “leader of the Great Satan”
2. His ultimate uplifting message: “If life hands you shit, make shit sandwiches”
1. He spends two hours talking about the superiority of Amway products
Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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