When you’re a parent, life seems only to be an endless line of “how do I tell my kids about this” and “how do I make my kid’s life better” and “when is it all going to end.” With the recent outbreak of swine flu, I’m sure many of you out there are wondering how to answer some of your children’s important swine flu related questions, like “why are you wearing that mask” and “why can’t we go to Mexico anymore” and “how will daddy get his medicine.” I know it can be stressful, so I’ve put together a few tips on how to break the news and help keep your kids safe.

Stuffed Animal Method: If your child has a stuffed animal pig, take it and cover it in feces. Human or animal — I don’t think he’ll know the difference. Then sit him down and show it to him. Ask, “Do you know what this is?” He’ll probably say something like, “Mommy, what happened to Oinky?” Look at him and say, “Oinky is sick with swine flu. When’s the last time you played with Oinky?” If the answer is sometime within the last few weeks, lower your voice and tell him that he is going to die. 

Clean Your Room Method: The last thing kids ever want to do is clean up. Next time yours asks about swine flu, bring him to his room. Say to him, “Remember when mommy told you your room was a pigsty?” He’ll say, “Yes.” Then crouch down, look him in the eye and say, “A little boy in Mexico died because he played in a pigsty just like this.” 

Wash Your Hands Method: One of the worst parts about being a parent is dealing with sticky gross kid hands. Next time you unwittingly touch a spot of gross kid stuff on a counter or somewhere, make sure you know when your kid is going to be around next and pretend to be dead. Presumably he will try to awaken you. After a few minutes of (hopefully) panic, jolt up and give him a scare. While he tries to regain composure say, “The swine flu virus is all over every surface at your school. If you come home without washing your hands, mommy and daddy will die. And so will you.” 

Winnie the Pooh Method: Sit your child down and tell him you have to talk to him about something. Maybe make him a plate of cookies to soften the blow. While he is eating, tell him Christopher Robin has died. (Hopefully your child is at the age where he believes fictional characters can die [5-7].) When he asks why, tell him that he was playing with his best friend Pooh when Pooh sneezed on him without covering his mouth. He had been playing with Piglet and contracted swine flu. Because he is a bear he did not die, but his fate is far worse — to live knowing that, because he didn’t cover his mouth when he sneezed, he will never see his best friend again. 

Invisible Child Method: If you’ve gone through the previous methods and your child is still a sniffling, sneezing, swine flu threat, wait until he falls asleep. Next, go into his room and cover the major areas — desk, dresser, closet — with police tape and HazMat symbols. The next morning when he wakes up and comes downstairs to ask you why this has happened, simply ignore him. Talk about how sad it was that you lost your child, whom you loved so dearly, to such a preventable illness. “If only he had washed his hands!” you can say. “If only he had listened to our warnings about swine flu!” Continue this treatment until his hands are raw from scrubbing and it’s clear he’s learned his lesson. 

If that doesn’t answer your kids’ questions, I don’t know what will.  

 

Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears every Thursday. 

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