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Top ten leprechaun complaints

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10. Not tall enough to ride on Space Mountain

9. From the back, often being mistaken for Tom Cruise

8. Too many people asking, “Hey, where’s Snow White?”

7. Never cared for green beer

6. Too many people thinking that nasty Rumpelstiltskin is one of them

5. Found the title of the movie Little Women to be very misleading

4. Frequently kidnapped by people who think they’re garden gnomes

3. Complete lack of female leprechauns makes reproduction a bitch!

2. Job market sucks for the vertically challenged (well, it sucks for everybody, but the vertically challenged especially)

1. Hate being classified a “fairy”

Hope and change, good and hard

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Those Obama voters who thought they were safe from tax increases since they don’t earn $250,000 or more per year, and thought (since Obama told them) that only the wealthy (those bastards!) were going to pay for the new American utopia, might see smaller paychecks soon. [Read more →]

Thank you, Eudora Welty

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I’m home sick today with the flu. Watching Woody Allen’s funny, but dated Bananas, I notice a laughing Eudora Welty’s brief cameo. She gets a big kick out of Woody sticking his cap in her face. Ah, Eudora. You saved my life. [Read more →]

Cinema this week: I am a man!

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I am a man. I’m not a woman, and I’m not a boy anymore. I am a man, and it is noticeable in several areas of my life. The movie-watching experience is one of those areas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a macho man who can only watch action movies and slapstick comedies. I cried watching Terms of Endearment and I loved Thelma & Louise, but I often find myself at odds with a woman over our opinions of a movie. [Read more →]

Party like it’s 1931

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Dear Ruby,
I’m unemployed, but looking, and I’m doing okay with unemployment and my savings. I’m a single guy who’s always lived within his means, so I know I’ll survive until I find something. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong and I know there are so many people in the same boat, I don’t know if I should date. It’s like I shouldn’t even ask if I have to be cheap about it. My friends are split down the middle — half say to wait until I’m working (which could be months) and half say go ahead and ask. If I ask someone out for a low-budget date, am I a loser?

Sincerely, Dateless in Depression [Read more →]

Reality check: hasta luego Jorge

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Survivor is filming in the Brazilian Highlands this season. I believe we are in the 18th season and much like MTV’s The Real World Brooklyn, it’s stagnating. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch it. I just love me some Jeff Probst. And watching these people scramble to form alliances and dig for hidden immunity idols just hasn’t gotten old yet. I think one more season and I might be done. Maybe. Nah, probably not. [Read more →]

Newspapers are boring

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There is absolutely nothing going on in the news lately that I want to talk about. Who wants to hear another story about earmarking and economy-not-good-being and janitor-job-having-to-get? No one. And that is exactly why nobody is buying newspapers anymore. The stories are depressing and, even more of a deterrence, they are boring. So boring that I’m having trouble keeping myself from doing dishes just having to think of them right now. And doing dishes is literally the most boring of all things. Next to newspapers.  [Read more →]

Pool

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September 3, 1999

I dream I am involved with three boys in a plot to blow up a resort area. I want to back out, but one boy is dragging us with him in the wake of his evilness. I find I have to take a leak, so I remove my pants and underpants and rush for the men’s room. Then, I run to the pool area, swim across the crowded pool, speed through the parking lot, and leap, pantsless, behind some rocks. I’m thinking the bomb should have detonated by now, but I’m glad it hasn’t. [Read more →]

Easy weeknight dinners: grilled lamb chops with mashed sweet potatoes

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Locally grown sweet potatoes will only be in season for a few more weeks. Eat them while you can! Besides being delicious, they are one of the world’s most nutritious foods. They’re rich in fiber, potassium, and Vitamins A, C, and B-6. Try to choose sweet potatoes with a darker orange flesh — they are better for you than lighter ones because they have more Vitamin A. [Read more →]

‘Literally’ decimated, figuratively speaking

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“The offensive line is literally decimated by injury,” the sportscaster says, and no one bats an eye. At the water cooler the next day, a few guys talking about the game lament the injured state of the hometown team. “Their offensive line is literally decimated by injury,” one of them says, and they all shake their heads, agreeing with this grim assessment. Quietly, but not literally, the English language slumps against the water cooler and right there dies a slow death. [Read more →]

Look at the moon, not at the finger

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I first heard of the Abbé Mugnier (1853-1944) in an essay Somerset Maugham wrote about the journals of the French writer Paul Léautaud. The Abbé, in his shabby soutane, was a fixture in Parisian literary circles.  He knew everyone and just about everything about everyone. Leautaud was outspokenly anti-clerical and, finding himself in the company of the gentle abbé, took advantage of the situation to mouth as loudly as possible all manner of blasphemies. Unperturbed, the Abbé Mugnier whispered to him. “God will forgive you, M. Leautaud, because you have loved animals.” Leautaud at once became silent, embarrassed to realize the Abbé knew that the cranky atheist often went without food in order to feed stray dogs and cats. [Read more →]

When Sally Met Suzy

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Sally did not meet Suzy in a large auditorium where a nominal, fifty-dollar fee was charged. That pink event saved breast-cancer patients in Africa even as it rescued American women with professional degrees. But Sally met Suzy on the shelf of book. At a location near you, she saw all the other consumers attending to this section of the store, and she knew she ought to go there too. Wherever the others are, go there. Just because you would never go to that section doesn’t make it wrong, and if millions of purchasers were leaving the Super Bookstore in a state of euphoria, it couldn’t only be the cinnamon chai latte or French press at work. [Read more →]

Broadway Fred

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Sunday I am in the TKTS line on Broadway for half price tickets and a young man is hawking Blithe Spirit starring “the legendary Angela Lansbury.”  He seems like a nice young man and Angela Lansbury is a famous actress, but she is not legendary.  Now, if the Gryphon or the Pushmi-Pullyu were in the play, then the word “legendary” would be appropriate.

Come to think of it, I would enjoy seeing the Pushmi-Pullyu in the Angela Lansbury role.

Book reviewing

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I began my writing life several decades ago as a book reviewer, but I’ve largely kicked the habit. It isn’t that reviewing isn’t important or interesting; it is a vital democratic conversation about books, journalism, ideas, and imagination. As a young aspiring writer I fell into it easily, maybe too easily. But after reviewing a few score volumes as I have tried to do — carefully, generously, critically — one tends to get a bit of genre fatigue. One tires of praising and of scolding. And having written a couple of books myself, and seen them (fairly and unfairly) praised and scolded, the urge to judge others diminishes even further.  [Read more →]

Daylight saving is kicking my ass

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It really is. I’m exhausted today. It sucks to have jet lag without actually jetting somewhere.

My parents visited this weekend and we were up earlier than usual on Sunday because my father decided to take a shower at the crack of dawn — to beat the rush, you know — and the noise woke up my son, whose room is next to the bathroom. [Read more →]

Now read this! William Faulkner’s “Light in August”

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William Faulkner is not an author whose books one tends to reread. When you’ve mounted the Everests of Absalom, Absalom! or The Hamlet, for example, you may feel exhilarated and triumphant, but you don’t particularly yearn to start all over from the beginning. I’ve read Light in August twice and will again. Of all Faulkner’s novels, it is the most atmospheric in its depiction of the hot summer deep South and the most tragic and compelling in the trajectory it plots for its main characters. 

Race is never far from the surface in Faulkner’s books and it is front and center here. Joe Christmas, who has often passed for white when he meets the sexually frustrated and menopausal Joanna Burden, is possibly the richest black character in all of Faulkner. The innocent but pregnant Lena Grove is Eve in a fallen world, and the Reverend Hightower, as Christmas’s conflicted protector and Lena’s deliverer, unites the novel’s various themes of racial intolerance, isolation born of conscience, and the search for or avoidance of one’s true identity. Christian themes and parallels abound, but the book is never schematic or preachy. And the ending is one of the most memorable in all of 20th century fiction. 

Light in August is also one of the most readable of Faulkner’s novels. Certainly the clotted and hyper-descriptive, and repetitive, prose of Absalom, Absalom!, or the dense and challenging stream-of-consciousness in The Sound and the Fury (I confess to having read only the first section, though I’ve tried the second at least twice and gave up both times!) have their considerable rewards, however much patient rereading is required, but “Light in August” is written in a lovely distillation of Faulknerian prose. I’ll leave you with this passage, one of my favorites, describing the pregnant Lena watching the slow progress of a wagon coming her way. It’s about the most overwrought you’ll find in the book: 

The sharp and brittle crack and clatter of its weathered and ungreased wood and metal is slow and terrific: a series of dry sluggish reports carrying for a half mile across the hot still pinewinery silence of the August afternoon. Though the mules plod in a steady and unflagging hypnosis, the vehicle does not seem to progress. It seems to hang suspended in the middle distance forever and forever, so infinitesimal is its progress, like a shabby bead upon the mild red string of road. So much is this so that in the watching of it the eye loses it as sight and sense drowsily merge and blend, like the road itself, with all the peaceful and monotonous changes between darkness and day, like already measured thread rewound onto a spool. So that at last, as though out of some trivial and unimportant region beyond even distance, the sound of it seems to come slow and terrific and without meaning, as though it were a ghost traveling a half mile ahead of its own shape. ‘That far within my hearing before my seeing,’ Lena thinks.     

Other highly recommended works of Faulkner: As I Lay Dying, “A Rose for Emily” (short story), The Bear, and Go Down, Moses.

 

Now Read This! appears every Monday. Learn about all the great books you wish you’d read. Then read them.

Ten words or phrases I am asking everyone to stop using in my presence

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1. Fled on foot
Example Usage: After ditching the car, the suspect fled on foot across a crowded playground.
Complaint: He didn’t flee in a hot air balloon, it was on his feet!
Annoyance Value: 5

2. Literally
Example Usage: When JumJums died, I literally cried for three weeks, my heart broke in two, literally, broke in two.
Complaint: Everyone knows someone who abuses this word in every story and description. Stop! I’m not alone on this one.
AV: 9

3. Apropos
Example Usage: I see you’re eating a Jeno’s frozen pizza. That’s very apropos considering March is National Frozen Food Month.
Complaint: What, you’re too good for the word appropriate? Apropos’ silent s isn’t nearly as cool as the silent g in paradigm, even if March is Frozen Food Month or National Peanut Month or whatever.
AV: 8 [Read more →]

Top ten surprises in the recently declassified Bush Justice Department memos

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10. Military was not only authorized to conduct warrantless searches of Americans’ homes, but to try on their underwear

9. Waterboarding was no longer considered torture, but a recreational activity

8. United States was authorized to hold detainees indefinitely without charges, without a hearing, without legal counsel, and without basic cable

7. Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press were downgraded from “rights” to “suggestions”

6. Bush authorized the transfer of captured terrorists to the control and custody of foreign nations, and required them to fly coach!

5. The definition of “permissible interrogation techniques” was expanded to include forcing detainees to watch Mike Myer’s The Love Guru

4. Justice Department’s “Internal Ethics Office” was renamed “Yeah, Right!”

3. If someone irritated Dick Cheney, he was legally permitted to shoot him in the face

2. When addressing President Bush directly, all subordinates were required to use the term “Your Highness”

1. As a favor to logging, mining, and drilling industries, “Endangered Species” were reclassified as “Enemy Combatants”

Why Vince Fumo will be convicted

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I’ll tell you why Pennsylvania State Senator Vince Fumo is going to be convicted by the jury currently considering his guilt or innocence on 137 charges of abuse of power. It’s because no mother would want a son to disappoint her so much. And Fumo is being judged by a jury consisting of 10 women along with two men, all of whom have heard, chapter and verse, about things that would shame a mother. The sins of arrogance and pride, the loss of perspective about what is right and what is not right, the fall from grace by a brilliant man because he thought he was beyond falling. Testimony during the epic trial that began before the Phillies won the World Series has revealed the son for the man he became, an insecure bully of staff and loved ones, a clueless tyrant who compared his misdeeds to spitting on the sidewalk, and excused his paranoia about a former girlfriend that led him to hire a private investigator to stalk her by explaining to the court that he — Vince Fumo — is terribly shy.

Bull-shy. Fumo may be socially inept but “shyness” does not accurately describe his single-minded quest for power or appliances or yacht trips or control over others. The case of the People versus Vince Fumo was settled long ago by the people’s court of Philadelphia. The verdict: the guy is a vindictive creep. The creep factor has loomed large in this trial, from the ALL CAPS profanity laced emails, to his compulsive acquisition of vacuum cleaners for each room of his mansion, to the private eye tailing his ex, to the taxpayer paid staffers and equipment dispatched to hoist a flag at his Jersey shore summer home, to the weird relationship between him and two older men — “surrogate fathers” — one who gave him a million dollars to settle a divorce, the other who testified against him in court. And then there were his favorite initials, OPM, for Other People’s Money. LOL.

But creepiest of all was the former state senator’s testimony in his own defense. “I did what I did,” he said in open court about things most of us would whisper to a priest in confession. Here was the self-proclaimed most powerful Democratic politician in Pennsylvania describing his duties to the chamber he represented and the people he served: “My only obligation as a senator is to go to Harrisburg and vote.” And then there was his Whopper Junior moment when instead of shouting, “I wish I’d never been broiled,” he said, “In retrospect, I wish I never got elected to the senate.” Et tu, Vincenzo?

Eliminating tension headaches

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I suffered gladly from tension headaches for many years.  Why gladly?  Because I was grateful they weren’t migraines.  My headaches, by comparison, were pretty mild, and I always assumed they were the price I had to pay for being a writer — a kind of “background noise” to my life. 

As I noted in a previous post, I write all day long in my role as a marketing consultant and, after work, I spend a substantial percentage of my time researching and writing books and book proposals; literary essays; and art, film, and book reviews (most of which are collected here.)   

Not to mention the odd blog post.

All of this requires a great deal of reading and sitting in front of a computer.  This, of course, was at the root of my problems — or so I assumed. 

But recently, my headaches had been getting worse. 

This despite years of consultations and treatments with a physician, physical therapist, craniosacral therapist, chiropractor, dentist, acupuncturist, two optometrists, and many, many massage therapists. 

I’d adjusted my computer display, raised the level of the monitor, lowererd the level of the monitor, changed my glasses, changed the lighting, raised my chair, lowered my chair, bought firmer pillows, bought softer pillows, did stretches, went for walks, got massages, exercised. 

I spent a good part of every evening kneading my shoulder and the base of my neck, and, especially, my left temple, where the pain and muscle-knotting was the worst. 

I sometimes wore heat wraps during the day, and often used ice packs at night. 

I also cycled through various combinations of Tylenol, Excedrin, Advil, Aleve, aspirin, Xanax, muscle relaxants and more.  The only drug that ever seemed to work was Excedrin Extra Strength, but the caffeine in it made it feel like I was jumping out of my skin. 

The odd thing about my headaches was that they were at their worst in the early morning hours, as I was gradually arising from sleep (sometimes, they’d awaken me at 4:30 in the morning, but never any earlier than that.)  And as bad as they were, they often would disappear immediately upon awakening, or as soon as I’d stepped into the shower, only to gradually creep up on me again in the late afternoon or early evening. 

I knew there was some significance to this, but never could quite understand what it was — nor could any of my doctors.  Instead, it took an outre alternative medical practitioner who calls himself an “energy worker” to finally diagnose my condition, after all these years. 

[Read more →]

Now read this!

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Tomorrow at noon my first When Falls The Coliseum column on books will be published under the title “Now Read This!” Thanks to Scott Stein for suggesting the concept and offering it to me. The premise is simple. I’ll write brief essays on books I’ve read that perhaps you’ve always considered reading yourself, but have put off until now.

As an unreconstructed 70′s English major (who fondly remembers the New Criticism), I’ve continued to read throughout my adult working life, even though that work, mostly in the symphony orchestra business, had nothing to do with books. I’ve tended to follow my “enthusiasms.” I’ll discover an author, like Balzac or Alice Munro, and proceed to read as many of his/her works as I can until the “enthusiasm” runs its course. So, not only will I write on a specific book, but I’ll often conclude with a short list of additional recommendations for the same author. And, I intend always to include one or two extended quotes from the work at hand, to give you a sense of the author’s style.

For the most part, I’ll focus on novels, unconfined to either country or century, but I will also recommend the occasional short story or story collection, or poem or book of poetry.

Finally, I invite comment. “Now Read This!” will have its own point of view, strongly held (I assure you), but I will love nothing more than to be challenged, even contradicted in my assessment of a book’s value. And, though I promise to be as accurate as I can be, I will not be thoroughly rereading books in order to write about them — so please correct a mistake when I make one. Until tomorrow!

 

The Chinese restaurant

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A terrible thing happened last year. The Chinese restaurant that my family has been going to for ten years suddenly shut its doors. Well, I guess it wasn’t really that sudden. They had been complaining of diminishing profits since 9/11, as had many Chinatown businesses. Then one sad evening, we showed up for dinner and the place was deserted. I called my husband in disbelief. No more crisp and delicious salt and pepper squid. No more al dente lo mein (my dad’s favorite). Sigh. Once we got over the initial shock, we realized that we had to get serious about the task ahead — we would have to find a replacement for our beloved Kam Chueh (RIP). 

Chinese Restaurants are as American as apple pie. Chinese food, as we know it, was invented in America in the mid-1800s. Chinese immigrants headed west to the California Gold Rush like everyone else, but were discriminated against and denied mining jobs. They quickly learned to adapt, opening restaurants for the miners and railroad workers. They served dishes like General Tso’s chicken and chop suey, which the workers ordered by number rather than attempt to pronounce the strange, new, words.

As the Gold Rush came to an end, violent crime surged out West. Chinese workers headed towards the Northeast where there were better job opportunities and less ethnic discrimination. In 1878, the first Chinese grocery store, Wo Kee, opened on Mott Street. That same year, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Chinese Immigrants would not be permitted to gain American citizenship. The next 60 years were incredibly difficult for the Chinese living in America, as several laws were passed making it nearly impossible for any new Chinese citizens to enter the United States, including the wives and children of the men already here.

[Read more →]

Cougar Barbie… she is 50 and still smoking!

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This is hilarious. Maybe there is an upside to the recession. More people will have free time to create funny videos for us to watch so we can stop thinking about the fact we can’t pay our bills. This reminded me of those Barbie commercials from the 80′s… and maybe a little of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Hat Tip: BettyConfidential

Do drunken strangers deserve rides home?

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I consider myself a very nice guy. I’ve helped old ladies cross the street. I’ve tried to get connections to hook friends up with jobs. I’ve even given stranded motorists a little cash without asking for anything in return.

But I try to avoid giving drunken strangers rides home. A couple of weekends ago, I got cornered into it. 

Around 3 AM, I was hanging out at a fine establishment when an inebriated gentleman told me his friends had ditched him and he needed a ride back to his home in Stamford, about 10 minutes away. I happen to live in Stamford, but I felt uncomfortable putting some random dude in my car. He could have a knife, a gun, anything! So I told him I was going in the other direction, and he ignored my sensible suggestion of calling a taxi.

About a half hour later, I took off from the bar solo, having driven myself. I was on the road leading away from the bar when I received a phone call from my friend. We’ll call him “Q.” Here’s how the brief discussion went down… [Read more →]

Post-traumatic bat disorder

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My marriage isn’t an especially old-fashioned one, but whatever you think about traditional gender roles, there are some things that, at least in my house, remain man’s work. My wife almost never changes a light bulb, doesn’t often deign to take out the trash, and has only a vague idea of where I keep the screwdrivers. In our family, some jobs call for a man. For instance, fighting off bats. [Read more →]

Reality check: the bachelor’s a douche and Idol’s a train wreck

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I have a love/hate relationship with reality television. My personal favorite reality show of all time would have to be the very first season of The Real World. It really felt real. There had never been a show like it. It was a new and raw concept and it was full of people who had never seen reality TV before. That alone set these seven strangers picked to live in a loft apart from the hundreds of cast members to follow. And if nothing else, Eric Nies was so much fun to look at… vacant and narcissistic, but fun.

Today is a new day. A day with douchey bachelors who propose to girls on national television only to break up with them on national television just weeks later. Whether you’re under contract or not, it’s a classless thing to do to someone. Even former bachelors and bachelorettes are bashing him. If you’re not familiar with the show but would like a recap, you’re not getting it from me. I’m over this guy. However, Kristen Baldwin of Entertainment Weekly puts it perfectly here.

The show I would like to talk about is American Idol. It’s a full on train wreck. The performers, for the most part, are maniacal and untalented. The judges are on drugs (just admit it, Paula) and Seacrest is a midget with a grin so irritating I sometimes fantasize about stapling his lips together.

Here are a few contestants that stand out to me, good and bad… [Read more →]

Don’t let it bring you down: castles

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As I was searching through the Internet today, trying to find something to write about in this virtual wasteland of interesting, I came across this headline: “A Castle at the White House.”

“Intriguing,” I thought, at first nonplussed. I’d always wished our country had castles, like other countries, but was I willing to turn a blind eye to an act of such frivolity in this bleak economic time? Was I willing to ignore the anachronism? Was I willing to fund this castle with your tax dollars?

I was.

Building a castle, I thought, would provide a whimsical quality that our nation’s capital has heretofore lacked. Not to mention many jobs for the castle-builders who’ve recently had to close their doors. A castle, I thought, is perhaps just what this nation needs. Would it have a moat? Of course it would. A big door that makes a clicking noise when it comes down over the moat? Certainly. A dragon? A rescue dragon.

“Yes,” I thought, “this is an idea I can get behind.” I then clicked on the link to the article, thrilled to read what was to surely be an exciting turn of events in our boring, castle-less nation.

[Read more →]

Making Time, Part II

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In July I posted “Making Time,” talking about how important it is for a writer to make time to write. My daughter was born a week later, and I didn’t write a new word for the next six months. At random points during that period, when my synapses were actually firing in a semi-functional capacity, I would occasionally think to myself what a sanctimonious ass I must have sounded like, lecturing people about whether or not they were writing.

Am I a sanctimonious ass? Maybe. Please allow me some retrospective. [Read more →]

Obesity

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October 11, 2008
I dream I am performing my magic show, and my nemesis has been whipping the audience into a frenzy exclaiming he is going to expose my new levitation trick. I explain to him that he would disappoint the audience because they want to be mystified more than they want to understand how the trick is done. Furthermore, the levitation apparatus I have is recommended for use with someone who weighs less than 140 pounds, and clearly he weighs more than that. As I explain about the weight, my nemesis transforms into an early 20th century middle-aged woman with a long dress, a comically large hat and a parasol. In his woman configuration, my nemesis will not expose a trick if it means the audience would know he weighs more than 140 pounds.

July 15, 2000
I dream I am at a Weight Watchers meeting and Mary Carpenter is showing the murals of me that she has painted. They are well done, and I thank her. Then I realize that the meeting is about to begin and I haven’t weighed in, nor have I weighed in for weeks. I have a conflict because you’re supposed to pay for weeks that you missed, so I sneak out and plan to rejoin later. I duck into the bathroom and use the enormous orthopedic toilet because I’m curious to see how it will flush.

June 3, 1998
I dream I am at a clothing store for overweight Jewish men. The salesperson is growing impatient with me. I tell her I’m just looking but she wants me to buy something. Mike Young, the artistic director of Comedysportz, also tries to hurry me along. I put them off because I am embarrassed to admit the truth. The largest size in the store is one size too small for me.

Frank Wilson interview

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Anyone interested in books and the future of publishing should read this interview with our very own Frank Wilson on “Conversations in the Book Trade.” Technology, literary publishing, and the pricing of books are all discussed. I especially liked this:

In the meantime someone with limited resources perhaps, but with a talent for spotting talent, will start an online POD publishing house with quality design and editing and find himself … breaking even, turning a profit, competing with traditional publishers. It is bound to happen.

The publisher of my second novel Mean Martin Manning has just such a business model, more or less. ENC Press has small print runs, a niche approach, a talent for spotting talent, direct-to-consumer sales, a nearly exclusive online presence.

You should go there and maybe even buy a book written by a certain young and handsome author whose name I shall not say.

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