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I’m going to the job market, do you need anything?

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The job market. A topic that used to inspire oh boy!’s and let me tell you!’s in the American public, now sparking only oh boy’s and let me tell you‘s. People all over the country are losing their jobs and homes, and, more harrowingly, people like me are graduating from college. “What are you going to do?” you might be thinking. “How will you find a job, when people who are actually qualified for jobs are having such trouble?” Luckily for me, I am incredibly talented and sure that I will have no trouble finding a great job after graduation. Luckily for you, I am incredibly generous and have assembled some easy-to-follow advice for those of you also entering the job market who are less talented than I am.   

Put your best foot forward. This method can only work out in your favor. 

Do not get up on the wrong side of the bed. Believe me, it will only set you up for a bad day. 

Make a resume. This often overlooked document can really put you ahead of the competition. 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  No matter how bad the economy gets, squeaky wheels will always need greasing.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Especially if it’s a book of jobs that you can apply for, because that would look pretty boring on the outside probably. 

Buy work clothes. This way once you get the job, you’ll have something to wear to it. 

Don’t change horses in midstream. Bad idea! Also, dangerous. 

Find out what jobs are available and apply for them. This is the best way to begin the job-search process. 

Don’t forget where you came from. You never hear good things about people who forget this. 

In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king. If you can find a place where everyone is severely disabled, you won’t even have to do anything and you’ll be ahead. 

Let bygones be bygones. And so on and so on.* 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. This is especially important to consider during the warmer months.

Get an interview. If you get an interview, you have a greater chance of getting the job. 

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. As long as you don’t get killed during your job search, you’ll come out stronger by default. I’m not sure if this means physically.

Only fools and horses work. Wait, no. Nevermind this one. 

Be an asset to the company. If there’s one thing companies love about people, it’s when they are assets to them. 

The devil finds work for idle hands. If all else fails, you can fall back on this. 

*Pras, “Ghetto Supastar That Is What You Are,” Ghetto Supastar (1998)


Kelly Conaboy Saves the World appears, as if by magic, every Thursday.


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5 Responses to “I’m going to the job market, do you need anything?”

  1. this is hilarious!

  2. This is genius. If only the idiots at my college knew how to read so they could learn these things.

  3. I’ll have two pounds of paychecks and a six pack of paid holidays.

  4. hi-sterical

  5. This is remarkably great.

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