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Uh-oh, you’re starting to freak out

Broke? Busy? Too much shopping on too small a budget in too little time for too many people?

It sucks to be you. No, really, it does, I’m not kidding.

So, instead of telling you how to make rustic country napkin rings for your sister out of tinfoil and empty deodorant cans, I’m going to give you a gift, a 30-minute indulgence. It will be 30 minutes of luxurious solitude that is secret and serious and very cheap. Don’t tell anyone.

You need to shop for one gorgeous avocado that is darkly green and slightly tender. You need to also buy some decent tortilla chips, probably restaurant-style, with no added flavoring or nacho stuff on them. Add a lemon and some salsa if you don’t already have some at home. It will cost maybe $7.

Go home with your stuff and hide it in the garage or the dryer until you have half an hour of guaranteed alone-time. By which I mean alone.

When the time comes, follow these steps:

  1. With a sharp knife, cut open the avocado length-wise and remove pit. Scoop out the green stuff with a spoon.
  2. Mash green stuff in a bowl with a fork while squeezing lemon juice in it occasionally.
  3. Stir in a tablespoon or two of salsa or picante sauce.
  4. If you have cilantro lying around, cut some up and throw it in. Otherwise, just salt, pepper, a little hot sauce, maybe.
  5. Eat the whole thing out of the bowl with your chips.
  6. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Do not share.

This will make up for the Wii you can’t find, the Wii you can’t afford, the dumb thing your mother-in-law is picking out for you right now, all those damn cookies you have to bake, the office party if you’re still employed, and maybe more. It’s full of good healthy stuff  so you won’t feel sick or guilty afterward. Really, humans were meant to eat entire avocados just like we eat entire apples — we’re just out of practice.

Why the secrecy? Because guacamole makes people greedy and selfish and you don’t need to see that right now. You are focused on the moment and the beauty and the splendor. You don’t have time for the darkness. You don’t have time for the panic. It’s your solitary time, to be spent any way you see fit. An entire avocado is just the catalyst. But, don’t substitute a diet mochacchino or a whole cheesecake or anything. Those are just karmic rubber bands that will come back and snap you on the ass.

Avocados are special. Solitary avocados create a spiritual barricade around your soul so that its pilot light doesn’t sputter out. This is a proven fact. Oh, and one more thing:

    7. Repeat as needed.

Peace out, Ruby

Whassup? Tell Ruby.

 

 

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