CNN reports that “[f]ormer New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer started a new job this week, debuting as online magazine Slate’s newest columnist.” Spitzer will be writing about economic policy issues.

If I had known Slate was looking for a columnist, I would have sent them a short note explaining why I should be their new columnist, instead of that dirty scumbag Eliot Spitzer:

• I have better hair. Way better hair. As we all know, that is a crucial qualification for being a good columnist.
• I am funnier than Eliot Spitzer. Even if you don’t think I’m funny at all, I’d have to be funnier than Eliot Spitzer. Slate might not think that a sense of humor is an asset in an economic policy columnist, but I would argue that, given the state of the economy, a sense of humor is the only real requirement.
• Spitzer is an arrogant, aggressive, overbearing, moralizing scold who thought he was above the law (turns out he was right about that). There has to be someone else Slate could have hired for this column with his qualifications. Wait, there is — me. I can be an arrogant, aggressive, overbearing, moralizing scold if the pay is good enough. And though I probably wouldn’t be quite above the law, I could try really hard to be just off to the side of it.
• I rarely insist on keeping my socks on. How are readers supposed to focus on the point of Spitzer’s column when all they can think about is how he insisted on keeping his socks on? 
• I have never prosecuted prostitution rings and then patronized one. That leaves me free to write about economic policies as they apply to prostitution rings. Let’s see Spitzer try that.
• I look less like a weasel.
• Spitzer spent thousands of dollars per session on a prostitute and attracted federal attention by transferring large sums between accounts to hide his misdeeds. He “paid up to $80,000 for prostitutes over a period of several years while he was Attorney General, and later as Governor.” This makes it hard for readers to take his opinions about fiscal restraint and responsibility seriously. I, on the other hand, have made no suspicious transfers of large sums — that would require having large sums. I don’t. So I can be trusted.
• Spitzer was known as Client 9 by the Emperor’s Club VIP prostitution service. Slate deserves a columnist who tries harder. While I have never patronized a prostitution service or cheated on my wife, I promise that if I were to ever do so, I would be known as Client 4. That’s 5 better than Client 9. It may not be Client 1, but still, 4 isn’t too shabby.
• Hiring me as a columnist won’t get Slate accused of seeking cheap publicity by giving a dirty scumbag politician his own column. In fact, hiring me won’t get Slate any publicity at all … Oh, now I see. Oh, okay. Never mind.

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Tags: politics & government, trusted media & news // 2 Comments »