With the presidential election coming up and all this stuff about a bailout and the environment and gas prices, etc., I know what a lot of you must be thinking: “Hey, what’s the deal with this stuff?” Believe me, I hear you. Knowing stuff about what’s going on in the world has never been easy. Because of this, I have constructed this guide for what to do and what not to do if you find yourself caught in a heated political debate. Use it carefully and have fun politicking!

DO take a side — Nothing puts out the scent of ignorance and vulnerability like not taking a side. Either side is fine.

DO NOT look your opponent in the eye — They will see right through you. Rather, look at the ceiling, your shoes, your nails — anything that deflects their all-knowing gaze.

DO find something to eat — Eating something will make you seem confident, not only in your argument but also in your physical appearance.

DO NOT choke while eating — This defeat will not bode well for the outcome of the conversation. 

DO strike a pose — Something that says, “I was too busy having a well-developed world view to notice having struck this pose.”

DO NOT sweat — Gross.

DO take a bathroom break — Use this time to look up facts anywhere you can find them.

DO NOT talk about the environment — No one likes a downer.

DO develop a tic — This will distract your opponent, forcing them to think not of their argument but of how to pretend not to notice your embarrassing tic.

DO NOT admit ignorance — Haven’t heard of something? You haven’t not.

DO have the conversation while walking — This will provide both distractions and a greater sense of significance.

DO NOT make a scene — Unless you really want to.

DO hook your thumb on a belt loop — Nothing says relaxed confidence like this old standby.

DO NOT forget your original stance — Just try to remember it, ok?

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